what if i came to you, to tell you that i want you

2010-10-04T15:14:00.000+08:00

today i feel like u dont fuckin care at all. i have put in my effort.

2010-10-04T00:22:00.001+08:00

a month since i updated, sorry, been crazy lately.

im doing my best, but what if my best isnt good enough.

2010-09-04T20:47:00.001+08:00

wah cibai. i got issues.

2010-08-31T01:49:00.002+08:00

sunday night

i was so scared that i have lost you. i was chasing after u aimlessly hoping that i'll see you again, but then i realised.... you were just next door.

paranoia

it was crazy. i reached ur workplace, the shutter was closed and u were nowhere to be seen. ur hp was off. i sent a text, but within that minute there was no answer. i was like "NO NO NO NOT AGAIN NOT AGAIN NOT AGAIN." then came this terrible terrible flashback from a previous relationship, where suddenly the door to the relationship suddenly closed on me with a blink of an eye. i was thinking what did i do wrong this time. what the fuck did i do, what did i not do. i was putting in my all and avoiding my previous mistakes. where could i have gone wrong?

the thought of losing you at that moment was painful, makes me realise how much i treasure you being around lately. i didnt realise that until sunday night, for that split second i thought u ran away, it has hit me that maybe my feelings has sunk in. i have had my doubts and probably some avoidance of my true feelings, the moment i saw you again, i was more sure than ever before.

that previous relationship has such an impact on me, made me so insecure about my love life. hoping "the previous love of your life" wouldnt go back to her boyfriend all the while and to lose her from the grasp of your hands when she was almost yours made me hit rock-bottom, like even a few levels under it. i admit the scar is still there. having you around is helping it seem invisible. on sunday night for that crazy moment, the scar magnified, and bleed profusely. i swear i almost teared up. in my HEART WHY WHY WHY. i ran to my bike, fucking sped off to orchard mrt just hoping to bump into you, fucking cheebye, need to make one huge turn. I was looking at my watch, its only been 10 minutes, she couldnt have gone far.

then in front of takashimaya while on my bike, u called nagging "where are u? are u here yet?!". I SWEAR TO GOD, the sweetest sound of nagging in my entire life. "i was there already! why your shop close? where u go? where are you?". you answered "i was just next door!" MY WORLD BECAME COLOURFUL AGAIN. hahaha :D see guys? paraniod insecure kontol i am.

with that episode, i realise that u mean ALOT ALOT to me right now and someone i barely can afford to lose. i am doing my best to make you the happiest that my ability allows me and with the limited time that i have, i hope we can spend it well together. i don't think ever have had someone who cared about me as much i think would be possible. i care for you cause you care for me. lets hope this last as long as it can. i love you.

2010-08-22T17:11:00.002+08:00

my girlfriend's really sweet and sometimes, i don't really know how to make up for it. she dresses up for me each and everytime we go out and its really sweet cause she puts too much make-up or over dress or those funny little quirky things that shows that she tries hard to look good for me that she kind of screw up abit abit its really melting to know she puts in so much effort.

then she's been deleting unknown people on her fb, esp weird random guys and even deleted her tagged account which is really "WOW seriously ah?". i mean i dont even do that for myself, like i still want to see random girls on my friends list and all that shit. abit scary she's doing that but i guess its her show of commitment.

its been difficult for me in the past, i had so much difficulty getting over someone who *hint hint* i fell in love with at my workplace but a part of me still wanted to be with her and the other part says just go away. the obvious choice was the latter cause the circumstances was so screwed against my favour. i was the bad guy who wanted someone's girlfriend, who actually opened her heart for me, and i was so stupid enough to screw it up. JUST FYI I AM NOT PROUD OF THIS. but if i ever had a second chance, i'll want to win her all over again not because i want to break couples up but just to be sure for myself i can win a girl. its cos i liked this girl probably since the first time i laid my eyes on her and to lose her in that type of fashion (we're almost like in a relationship, but wasn't there yet, she was still choosing) after i put in so much effort trying to win her and just to screw the shit out of it, HURTS like fuck. in soccer terms imagine champions league final, 3-0 down, i fight back to 3-3 then at the 90+ 6 minutes of injury time i score one goddamn own goal. took me like 1 year ++ , almost one and a quarter years to fucking tell myself "LOOK, ENOUGH, GO OUT AND DO SOMETHING.

most of the 1 year i was mourning like fuck, i was basically broken inside out. and figuring out what the hell did i do wrong, why did it turn out so bad, why did it happen this way. my morale was gone, my self-esteem was rock-bottom, my confidence crushed, and everytime i wanted to talk to a girl i had some interest in, I SHIVER. SHIVER HEARD ME? AND I FROZE, MY WORDS FROZE and LOST FOR WORDS. I WAS SO DIFFICULT. its like i had some type of syndrome, phobia, some anti-girl anti-love disorder. I WAS SO FUCKING SCARED THAT I WILL SCREW UP AND GET HURT AGAIN. it was fucking drastic. the so called "break-up" had so much effect on me like it made me so insecure of myself, unsure of my capability to maintain a relationship, make a girl happy and basically have a girlfriend and have this mutual care and concern. all along when i was with the girl, i just knew i was "the other guy", but now i kind of realised she tried hard to make me feel like i was the only one in her heart. AND I DIDNT GET THAT. i kept saying about my girl bestfriends, and she saw pics with me and gerl like close2, which was fucking misleading, shouldnt have taken that pic in the first place as well and really i didnt have any chance to explain what the hell was all that. mistakes mistakes mistakes. freakin haunted me and changed how the hell i am doing things currently.

then one and a half year on i met zara online. i usually judge my connection with someone by our first chat convo and then i chatted with her, knew nothing about her and i had the best best best conversation with her..... and it was so good, i think she felt it too that we exchanged numbers that very same first chat and i texted her on phone and for the next 2 weeks everyday we chatted and it felt so so so so so good. then one day we decided to meet and the moment i was going to meet her, obviously i felt so fucking nervous cause i felt i had some "disorder", but somehow there wasnt too much pressure to impress or anything cause my mindset was "well im just gonna meet somebody i met online" and really when i chatted with her on the phone, i didnt do much to impress but she seemed very welcoming and liking it. so i just did what came naturally.

THEN I MET HER. i was like OHH, ok she looks good. hahaha, then conversation started flowing in and i really surprised myself like there was NO MORE DISORDER SYNDROME SHIT. i mean, she was really making it really chatty and honestly i cant even remember what we talked about but there was so much to talk. and we keep laughing and laughing and all that. it felt like WOW, basically love on a first date kind of thing. maybe i've been missing this feeling alot before but it was hands down the best first date i ever ever had. it felt so good, i felt sure of myself to hold a convo with a girl who's into the same things as i am and then i took her out more and more and we got closer and all that. the rest is history. she tries her best to make me happy i can feel and i hope i can do the same for her too. i want to be sure i can maintain this relationship well and make this girl as happy as i can. :) i'm not gonna screw up something which involves a girl who cares about me like before, and i swear to god im gonna care for her just as much. i just want to appreciate her more. i kind of feel i haven't.

pursuit for happiness

2010-08-22T15:56:00.001+08:00

revealed. so yes just want to be happy for now and hopefully things will turn out good. :D

2010-08-13T08:11:00.000+08:00

sorry if i broke some hearts.

2010-08-11T13:43:00.000+08:00

the thing about her is, i can just be myself, act like a dork, say lame jokes, sing stupid songs, say really dumb things and really just be myself and i still feel so so so comfortable with her.... so short to say i really like this girl alot and i feel i wanna ask the 'question' but argh fuck, my army schedule sucks and i'm just so scared i can't find time for her when peak period starts. see, there's always a catch to my love department.

2010-08-08T11:27:00.001+08:00

yesterday was really great. its just quite awesome. i had a date after quite long and it was a very fun one. :) lets see how this turns out to be :D

2010-08-04T22:22:00.002+08:00

in camp and feelin bored. thank god for internet access for saving abit. haha.

been putting myself in the market, i just feel somethings gotta happen soon. haha. life is mundane as crap. been talking to this girl, she's kind of young but interesting to talk to, and been quite a while since i've talked to someone with alot of intensity (like very smooth convo) without much of an effort. so quite contented now.

i have new indonesian neighbours. students. female. hahahaha. some crazy shit there. i live in a 4 storey block. i live on the 3rd they live on the 4th. last month, i bumped into one of them, quite average looking. but a few days ago, i bumped into another one in the lift. so she was at the entrance of the lift first, so her back was facing me, then she went in, pressed the lift butttons, so as i went in too, i saw her face. i was like WOOAAAHHHHHHH so pretttyyyyy. lawa sgt. hahahaha. so i just smiled. my face kind of red. hahaha. my mum talked to them before, and i think she's inviting them over for hari raya. HOHOHO merry hari raya. :DDD

other than that, im stuck in camp for now and will only be home very late friday night i think. there's really nothing to do in camp, and same thing either at home. but at least camp got playstation. been playing that thing for the fucking whole day. hahaha, literally the fucking whole day. i know you're wondering why. but thats life in the military when there's nothing to do. haha.

ok i think my turns coming. hehe.

2010-08-02T02:53:00.001+08:00

:D happy start to the month. hope its gonna be good.

2010-08-01T18:46:00.002+08:00

i have been off since thursday and enjoying it pretty well and spending god damn lots of money. hahaha. but hey im feeling good cause i've been controlling myself badly since the start of june and really these past few days has been "let it all out".

its not all "lonchong" all the way though, im considering my options for university and there's this one programme which i really wanna join but the price is way way over the top. University of Buffalo's Bachelor in Arts (Sociology). there's a distance learning thing here in singapore at SIM so i think its cost-effective to do there degree here cause if I do it in New York, it'll cost alot more. But then again the local one cost about $60,000 and honest shit, i don't know where to get that type of money.

Then my other options are the BSc in Hotel Management at SIT under Uni of Nevada or Bachelor of Communication (Mass Communication) at SIM under RMIT. Both these programmes are much cheaper but I dont really like the career path of it. So i'm still considering what I can do after NS so we'll see.

2010-07-28T23:24:00.004+08:00

2010-07-28T23:24:00.001+08:00

2010-07-27T01:23:00.002+08:00

im doing this COS duty as we speak and its a total boredom. i am tired but my body isnt allowing me to sleep and its annoying cause i gotta wake up at 5am later. plus i am starving and there is no food here. ok, there is some chocolate cakes but they dont taste that good. cerewet pulak. haha.

lately i've been doing some soul searching. keeping to myself abit more than i usually am and being very careful in life. like i've been riding my bike slower than ever, smoking so much lesser and been a little bit more holy as of late. those are very random reasons but overall i just feel i need to find some kind of purpose in life.

as some of my close friends may know, my grandfather passed away 2 weeks ago and naturally it has quite affected me to a certain extent. i am not as close to him as u think i am, partially because he lives across the border in johore and he comes back to my place about once a month usually over a weekend.

years leading up to his death, he became weaker and weaker physically but you can see from his actions he was fighting it all out and his spirits were high. my house doesnt have a lift (elevator) and he would struggle up the stairs for 3 stories on his own 80+ year old feet sometimes resisting my help. overtime, the doctor diagnosed him with high blood pressure and probable heart disease.

each month he came, as the only grandson being there, i had to help out abit, whether i like it or not. obviously as a teenager for the past few years, sometimes i will find it a chore. like sometimes i wanna go out with my friends but my mum got to work so i gotta postpone my outing to stay with him at home and take care of his needs. at other times, i would be nicer of course, maybe making him coffee, or breakfast or whatever he needed. sometimes he would ask me for cigerettes and (behind my mum's back), gave him some. cause eventhough he's being very dependent, my grandpa is a cracker of a joke or 2. so sometimes, i like to hear him talk random stuff and comments he make about tv shows were really nonsensical but hilarious to hear.

once when i was in upper primary school, i stayed with my grandpa in his village about 100km away from the border for a few weeks. i don't know what made my mum send me there but i think i was her idea of me getting familiar with my roots. my grandpa was quite condusive during my stay. everyday he would buy or make me food, make me comfortable in an anfamiliar environment and basically brought me around the village and made friends. i remember a visit to his palm oil plantation (like those you guys study in geography) and i'm telling you its hard work getting those pieces of palm and earn a living out of it. but he had passion. he actually had pension from his service in the police force which is really enough to live on in a village but he chose to opt into the village life.

an estimated 90% of my relatives on my mum's side live in malaysia. out of my grandpa's double digit amount of siblings, he's the only one who was based in singapore which resulted in all his 6 children and grandchildren to be here and i am one of them. the other 10+ of his siblings all live in the state of johor or some place else in malaysia and somehow i am inching to find out about them, cause from the day i can remember, i only know like 3 or 4 of them and a part of me wants to get in contact with them and establish some kind of "relative-hood" so i know who's who and i think its very healthy for family cohesion.

i think its something that my grandpa would love to see too, being able to know that the generations which succeed him knows his family, his siblings and people in the circle. he was a great man who cared for his children and people who crossed his path. all of us, his family are deeply saddened by the loss and hope that you can spare a prayer for him. may god bless him. Al-Fatihah.

2010-07-22T00:24:00.002+08:00

its getting interesting really, as in life. i am doing awesome honestly. like national service has been awesomely empty. meaning i can do alot of my own things in camp, playstation, gym, soccer, free meals and repeat. other than life, socially its been quite healthy too :)

im putting vocal recording and mixing on hold for a while cause im quite tired of listening and listening. and i think im turning deaf. so gonna put it on hold maybe till the weekend or the next. just need a break actually. 3 weeks straight of the same 4 songs is abit tiring. haha. but then again those recording artist do like freakin the same 12 songs over 3 months. WAH can die sia.

actually i cant wait for my friends and just people in general to hear the new stuff. but somethings has got to wait i guess.

so yeah, im in camp now waiting for my turn at playstation winning eleven. haha. what a life. lepak life i'll say. hehe.

i dont know who reads this blog, but hey if you have nothing to hide or smth, show yourself in a nice way, DROP ME A TAG. i feel like talking to a wall sometimes. haha. ok ardios. had fun writing.

2010-07-20T19:26:00.001+08:00

lost the art lah balls. ok now abit lazy to go back to camp. haiz.

2010-07-18T03:28:00.002+08:00

just now i was supposed to record vocals, but my voice sounded like crap, so i skipped. plus i dont have a pop-filter, so everytime i sing, all my p, t, b and all those letters with the "popping" sound will affect the signal so im getting one of those tmr. :)

and another thing, i was thinking about this life of mine just now, im beginning to feel...

I miss being in love. HAHAHA. as corny as it sounds, i just like that weird ass feeling, like butterflies in your stomach, smiling by yourself that type of thing. ITS BEEN SO LONG. so so long. and this aspect of life needs a push. so im considering my next course of action. we'll see, we'll see.

just that right now, music's keeping me occupied. so i hope i can get a correct balance. :)

2010-07-17T13:07:00.004+08:00

THIS FREAKING CONSTRUCTION IN MY BLOCK HAS GOT TO STOP.

ITS FUCKING SATURDAY WHY THE FUCK ARE THEY DOING CONSTRUCTION!!!!!! EVEN IF THEY CAN, SHOULDNT IT BE HALF DAY? I'VE BEEN TOLERATING THEM FOR 2 WEEKS and IT IS VERY VERY ANNOYING. I NEED TO RECORD VOCALS!!! MY GUITAR TRACK ALREADY HAVE SOME DRILLING SOUND IN IT. HAHA. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

you have my attention

2010-07-17T03:38:00.002+08:00

"you have my attention"

there's this particular thing that is running thru my mind, more and more each day and i just feel that i need to do smth about it. i just feel something is holding me back but i dont know what it is. its more like "am i ready" "is it the right time" that type of thing. my gut feeling is to just do it and see how things go. i mean, c'mon its been so long and life needs abit of speeding up.

maybe you have an idea of what this is or not, but let me give this a clue on this: "possible love interest". :D so actually its happy news, i just don't know what to do now. haha.

Currently, I'm still recording this little group of songs that I have. The initial plan was to record a full 6 song EP, but now I'm doing 4 first, hopefully the other 2 I can do very soon. I've found a distributor for the tentative release which will help me distribute to major online stores and some internet radio stations (those USA college stations etc.) and to say the least I can't wait. Some stores they deal with are iTunes, Nokia, Napster and some others. So to cut things short, I'm getting quite busy trying to get the EP done asap and get it out, promote it like a crazy ass in certain areas of the world and see what happens. I did promotion for black-ductape and managed to get the goddamn front page of straits times, so i have every reason to think i can do this again, just this time 100% solo. gonna be tough though. i'll pray for the best.

chasin' the dream people. been wanting to do this for a long long time. you might think i'm crazy too. see, me going to new york seemed impossible. well, now as proven, i can say i've been there, done that, bought the t-shirt, but with alot of effort to make it happen. so im gonna put my heart and soul in this and do this.

im out for the kill and this is going to be great. might need alot of support from people. writing/composing/producing/playing every single instrument/singing/editing/mixing/mastering 6 songs BY ONE PERSON is no joke. its doing like 5 persons job and my ears can only handle so much sound. i did a 7 hour session on wednesday and i tell you it felt like a bullet through my freakin ears. (fyi, 7 hours can do about 1 song all instruments). so thats my worst plight lah actually. haha

so now im gonna go rest. tmr gotta buy pop-filter and some cables. :D will write again soon. I HOPE TMR THERES NO GODDAMN CONSTRUCTON.

2010-07-14T18:01:00.002+08:00

GUITARS FOR ALL 4 SONGS DONE!

VOCALS THIS WEEKEND!

I AM STOKED BUT VERY VERAY TIRED! AND I REALLY CANNOT WAIT FOR THESE SONGS TO BE DONE!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

2010-07-14T12:45:00.002+08:00

started recording at 11 just now. abit running out of ideas now with some lead lines. haiz. taking a break!

2010-07-12T22:10:00.001+08:00

guitars done for 2 and a half songs. another 1 and a half to complete on wednesday!

came back from camp today just to do one song. haha. very "in-the zone" right now.

2010-07-10T20:40:00.002+08:00

I HAVE DONE DRUM AND BASS FOR 4 SONGS and I AM VERY HAPPY. Im doing 4 instead of 6 due to time constrains but I'll continue with the other 2 hopefully soon before ramadhan. i test-run the guitar recording sound quality just now on one song, but the sound abit off so i'm gonna try again tmr and record all 4 songs and hope the neighbours wont complain. i had to tweak the volume up very loud just now. i think the curtain help buffer the sound abit.

going out to haji lane after this and am excited.. haha.

2010-07-05T02:22:00.002+08:00

went karaoke just now, just like the past how many months.

as much as i hate to admit, i think the karaoke really helped my just analyse the fucked up-ness and the good aspects of my voice. haha. so im loving it.

been quite inspired lately. im done with drums for 3 songs now and for the most of this coming week, im coming drums for at least another 2 songs, and then record the rest of the instruments. then by the weekend hopefully get to mix 3 songs. :D

cant wait. 6 english songs, and possible 1 more melayu song. very excited of how this will turn out to be. :)

gotta sleep soon! :D

What's one food you'll never eat again?

2010-06-29T22:37:00.001+08:00

the original pretzels from new york. it tastes like solid seawater and a bag of salt.

Ask: If you want, you can. :)

2010-06-29T20:29:00.001+08:00

2010-06-29T00:57:00.000+08:00

gembira dan senang hati.

drums done for 2 + half a song! HOHOHO

2010-06-27T03:58:00.000+08:00

c'mon c'mon... pick yourself up....

2010-06-22T22:00:00.001+08:00

NEW PLANS!

RECORDING: 5 JULY 2010 - 16 JULY 2010!

HOHOHOHOHO

2010-06-20T22:00:00.003+08:00

im writing and recording songs now and feeling happy. and trying to be smart choosing songs that i can pull off if i play live. had alot of problems with that ever since i started playing music cause somehow my voice sometimes doesnt want to cooperate when i get on stage so im just trying out different songs in my room alone. hehe.

i got like 6 confirmed songs that i'm gonna record. did drums for 2 songs already and hopefully by end september i can get everything done. schedule is bad since im only availbale on weekends but trying to squeeze alot of things together by lastest october and hopefully some good things will happen out of it.

im posted to pulau tekong to be an instructor/section commander for new BMT recruits. excited to do it. :)

so thats all for today im gonna sleep in a bit. gotta wake up 5.30am tmr. adios!

2010-06-11T18:36:00.003+08:00

i just booked out from camp today. just now was the last day at pasir laba camp for me. i got posted to pulau tekong for the next 1 year 2 months and while its should be quite an easy life there, its very far from home and its OFFSHORE. i'll be an instructor/commander for the recruits there so i hope things will go well. and i wannna do well too cause its the first point of contact of the military the new recruits have entering the army.

gonna miss alot of people at PLC especially the malay kakis assmi, khairee, rauf, yaser and adi. wish them all well. its a new start for everyone and very sure all the guys will kick some ass.

meeting ma'hommies later, eating pizza hut. quite excited. haha. i'll update this space when i can. :)

2010-06-06T20:41:00.000+08:00

operation quit smoking.

2010-06-06T15:29:00.001+08:00

more than a year have passed and im still having these occasional "misery swings". i dont understand myself. get over it man.

2010-06-06T02:18:00.000+08:00

as of today, my life is officially crap.

2010-05-22T18:58:00.002+08:00

ì reached singapore from thailand last week. dont worry, its very far from the chaos cause our place was a few hundred KM away from bangkok. the training itself was quite crazy, half the time the weather was very very hot. sometimes 40 degress or more. typical noon temperature is about 38 degress celcius so ended up alot of people got sick and stuff like that.

right now, im going thru my combined arms term and at the end of this week, its graduation from the course. a very unfortunate thing happened to my friend and it sucks cause he's worked so hard and this kind of shit happens. its early not fair. hope he can graduate as well.

my sister came over to my place and we were talking and out of nowhere, she was like:
"eh i've been putting ****'s picture on my itouch"
"ah? what for sia"
"for inspiration...."
"what kind of inspiration is there?!"
"no lah cause she very pretty"
"?? sooo??"
"no lah, if i knew when i was pregnant with my daughter, i look at her picture everyday" (malay superstition that whatever you do, see, eat, your newborn will get/like/looklike)
"wth... hahaha. i want to see leh... "

*see picture together*

sis: "see... pretty right"
"*haiz* ya sia..."

then obviously, i was like *emotions emotions*....

after that, my sis was like "mum mum, look at this!"
"wtf"
"last time isk went out with this girl, pretty right!"
mum: *just smile*
me "no more lah mum"

then i kind of pondered and pondered. hahaha. honestly sometimes i think about it but im all good lah dont worry.

with that said, i feel that me going on dates is long overdue and i probably should start soon. reza once told me, you wont totally get over someone until you find someone new, so i guess thats the way to go. i just dont have that drive anymore. haha. so we'll see we'll see.

later im going bowling i think at cdans so gonna have some fun there. been more than 2 months since i've played bowling. im gonna suck bad. haha. k anything, just FB me guys. take care.

2010-04-17T18:16:00.002+08:00

yes i've been inactive in updating, its just that weekends have been short and i usually spend them going out with my close people and my family. and yes, no girlfriend, so *lol* i spend them all with them, and of course my dearly beloved cat, kenit. i've been unknowingly ignored my cat for a while now until my dad told me when i was leaving home from camp a few weekends back. "eh, say bye to ur cat, the whole week its been noisy waiting for u to come home" so i decided to spend alot of time at home this few weeks cause apparently, kenit been more at peace when im around and at it least it makes me feel better. haha.

so an update on what i've been doing.

im still in the army. im doing this thing called the advanced section leader course (ASLC) at SISPEC (sch of infantry specialist) and i've been here at since late december last year when i did BSLC (basic SLC). ASLC is dreaded among BSLC graduates cause it was portrayed as one of the more "shiong" (tough) course to be doing, cause here we train to be infantry specialists aka NCOs (non-commission officers) and infantry is not honeymoon. we probably do the most walking if you put aside the commandos and recce. (imagine walking 30km++ with like 15-20kg of shit individually). im done with my local training in the course and this friday im gonna embark on my overseas training which is till mid-may. quite excited to do it but at the same time anxious cause its the climax of the course and supposed the most crazy that we're gonna go through. actually im more excited to get it done and over with.

i haven't been working on much music lately, its just the same old shit that i wrote and i just replay every weekend to keep myself refreshed. im quite building up my studio again to make it a full recording studio by august. so until then, i wont be recording. probably gonna test run the system with a malay song or 2, or maybe get someone's band to record. then after that hopefully earn some money out of it so i can cover cost. :)

gonna go out after this to popeye cause its been a long time since i've been there. whoever is reading this, its nice to know u are. drop me a tag. this blog feels haunted since i left it alone. haha. take care there.

2009-12-19T21:55:00.002+08:00

As expected I didn't get posted to the RSAF, as much as I want to be part of it, I just don't think they want too many people of my race inside there. Its sad really, i would have given my best to something I wanted so bad. But thats life.

Alot of us actually want to do well, go far in the armed forces but they just don't want us, or should i say trust us. i have malay friends who really have this fascination with tanks and sincerely wanna be part of SAF armor, but then again got rejected. then i found out, they dont even prepare muslim food in the armor camp, WOW how hurting. its just not armor, there's alot of things we cannot enter.

I got posted sispec, which is no surprise really. as much as i feel that things are not really fair, i wanna do well. what can i do right? i just hope things will turn out great.

i bought dashboard confessional and paramore's cds over the weekend. one song i like from dashboard: :) feels very connected to it. haha. u'll know. :)

have a good one guys.

2009-12-15T03:23:00.002+08:00

i have a painful confession. i just had the urge to e-stalk someone online today. and seeing the stuff there makes me feel that i am a fucking asshole who almost made the world a more fucked up place for someone just for my own advantage. i'm a selfish fucker, thats what i call it. i feel so fucking bad i swear. that person didnt deserve it, he probably didn't do anything wrong and i came along hopefully to have what he had. what the hell was i thinking.

god please forgive me.

2009-11-08T15:14:00.003+08:00

heyya people. its been a long time since i updated. i've havent been having alot of time on my hands since national service. right now im only going home every weekend/2 weekends alternating. and i only get slightly less than 48 hours. it sucks but i'm used to it now. i lived inside a jungle for a week since monday and just came back yesterday and im going back to camp later at 5.30pm. sucks balls.

i got to go now pack my bags or i'll be screwed. im considering joining the RSAF now cause somehow i've been selected. haha. i'm probably gonna go for it cause it seems quite ok.

take care guys. see u next weekend.

2009-10-17T17:52:00.000+08:00

step aside girls, i'm a fuckin' soldier.

2009-10-08T01:05:00.000+08:00

"F-clamation mark" is my phrase.

Iskandar Rawi

the fucked up auditions.... ape siak singh. hahaha

2009-10-06T20:29:00.001+08:00

2009-10-06T08:34:00.002+08:00

had an analysing session of life at marina barrage with asmin till almost 4am just now and came out with a stunning conclusion:

my love life is so fucked up.

i make terrible decisions. i fail to fend off temptations of all sorts. i do and say stupid things and now im paying the price.

but really was i that bad? apparently i failed to make -------- feel special. seriously was i that bad? what didn't i not do? i put my everything in it but it just backfires on me at the end of the day. then accusations come in, you this, you that.... when all i did was wanting to love you. side note: PUKI JIWANG SIAL. then all the things i didn't knew were mistakes, come haunting back. i didn't knew what was i doing wrong/or what things were wrong. i only knew at the end when everything crumbled. why didn't you tell me earlier so i can amend it? then u use EVERYTHING against me so you can get away from me. i didnt see it coming, i was caught off guard. like i didnt know u didnt like the idea of me talking about my female bestfriend (yes now i know), you were lost cause u thought i had another girl at raya (no i didn't, she's in my group of friends, we are friends), you were hurt when u saw a question comment by friend best friend (its a stupid joke between me and her, and u should tell me if you feel hurt by it), you didnt feel special when i said i wanted to go visit my bestfriend in canada (she's my best friend, and if u dont feel comfortable, tell me cause maybe u weren't ready to hear that type of thing, so i don't know. at least TELL ME. i'll apologise and make it up to u.) and i didnt contact you for 9 days since u return from overseas. (yes, cause i called u when u were otw to the airport then u said you promised you'll call back to say goodbye at the airport when u were leaving, but u DIDNT. i was waiting all the while at home. then when i called u back , u already switched off your phone. i gave u the benefit of the doubt that u were rushing and forgot so i was hoping that when u come back to singapore, you'll contact me, so i waited 1 day 2 day 3 day 4, 5, 6, a week.. it didnt happen. I MISSED YOU SO MUCH. i had to gather some strength to call u back. i was just hoping that you show some care. I STILL CARED SO BAD. i was so happy when i finally get to meet you after so long. then things of course starting to go downhill. and i clung on to hope cause i asked you to choose between me and him before u went overseas and you haven't replied me an answer. i was in a suspension of all sorts. u said u needed time and i gave it to you. but while i was clinging on to dear hope and giving u time, i felt u drifting away. there wasnt any communication between us and even my text was rarely replied. i didn't know what was going on but i was waiting for an answer. a positive answer. i kept giving a positive outlook, "maybe she doesnt want to talk to me now cause she really wants to think things thru". 2 months pass, WHAT THE FUCK WAS GOING ON. then when i had the chance to talk to u face to face after so many attempts, expecting to meet u one of the nights, u came to my workplace with the hell of all letters, the worst letter i have ever received in my whole fucking entire life. u were never mine, but losing you was the hardest thing for me EVER.

IM SORRY GUYS. I JUST HAVE TO LET IT OFF MY CHEST. i didnt have a chance to let it all out back then. i wanted to send a letter back but it will hurt me writing it (and when u are fresh wound from the emotion u will write things which u dont mean) and her reading it will be just as fucked up. we didn't had a clean "go-off" at all. i was hoping that this fucked up feeling with just fade away by ignoring it and just pretending she never existed but its impossible. i didn't give my side of the story and there it is. it is out of impulse that i wrote it this morning, maybe some facts abit manipulative without me noticing but its the closest to the truth of my side of the whole thing. i don't think she'll ever read this but here's the thing, i never meant to do anything to hurt you back then. all i wanted to do was to make u mine. maybe i did the most selfish thing by hoping that u'll leave someone for me. he probably didn't do anything wrong to lose you but i loved you so much that i wanted you so bad and i have never done so many things, to any girl, to try, if ever successful, to make to feel the most special person in the world. but did u ever?

i still think about you at times, i try my very best to move on, find someone else to love and lead the happiest of life. its slow but im getting there. it just hurts to think that i failed to make you feel special and im not good enough while all i did whenever i was with you; talking, laughing, kissing, was just that. i hope you are as happy as i expect you to be right now.

its off my chest now. i havent slept the whole night and i think its worth it. im gonna sleep now. so much for the blog's 300th post. i think its worth it. i love everyone.

2009-09-24T17:03:00.000+08:00

I've been having around the house with tons of time nowadays, cause as we know i just quit my job and the main reason for that is for me to write and record music. Right now, progress is quite slow but still on.

When i'm not doing music, youtube comes into place. I've been spending ALOT of time on youtube, and a good portion of the time goes towards watching stand-up comedy. My maiden stand up video was russell peters back in 2006 i guess and recently, I've been watching alot of his and others. And along the way, I find different comedians who are hilarious and sometimes not so. Today I found a Filipino comedian, Ron Josol.

The main backbone of his act are filipinos jokes. He does the racial stereotype thing which is really an awesome genre of comedy cause you can really relate to it with the people who around you. I grew up having some pinoys around. A filipino best friend, 2 filipino ex-girlfriends, filipino colleagues at adidas and filipino friends here and there. So this video is really quite hilarious to me, not as an insult but as an appreciation. :)

Malay has our own stereotype perceptions too and somebody has to exploit it really. Haha.

Here's the video.

2009-09-22T15:06:00.003+08:00

This is late but selamat hari raya to everyone. Very uneventful one for me this year. I'm ok with it don't worry. :)

I remember this time last year (this date, this time): I was preparing a card and a video. haha. Worked so hard on it and i guess the recipient was happy with it. :) haha. but then again shit happens after that.

I'm working on a couple of songs now, very modern rock. excited to get it done. planning some massive promotion with it. :)

so yeah, i'm kind of lazy to update. its a hot hot tuesday afternoon and im just waiting to go bathe right now. spending the whole of today doing drumtracks. :) hari raya do drum tracks, wtf is wrong with me. hahaha.

alrito people, so long stokin. My favourite song of second half of 2009. :)

My American Heart - The Innocent Letter

We talked about dreams,
and they said we were crazy.
But they don't know a thing about me.
We'll drive until the sun comes alive.
Until the sun comes alive.

Trust the speed, trust the night.
I've got your hand, and you've got...

I've never written better,
Such an innocent letter.
With a reason for a heart at the end.
I've never written better,
Don't make me do this again.
Don't make me do this again.

You taught the lessons I've never learned,
(I've never learned).
'Cause I'm best at being burned,
I'm best at leaving hurt.

We'll drive until the sun fades away.
(Sun fades away).
Until the sun fades away.

Trust the speed, trust the night.
I've got your hand, and you've got...
Trust the speed, trust the night.

I've never written better,
Such an innocent letter.
With a reason for a heart at the end.
I've never written better,
Don't make me do this again.
Don't make me do this again.

If this isn't love,
Would you give up, would you give up?
Would you stay, would you run?
Would you give up, would you give up?

I've never written better,
Such an innocent letter.
With a reason for a heart at the end.
I've never written better,
Don't make me do this again.
Don't make me do this again.

Hey Lady

2009-09-17T03:19:00.002+08:00

So in case you didn't know, im quite addicted to this song for the past 2-3 weeks, because they have been playing it at adidas for like 10 times a day or maybe even more. haha and worst, i've been working everyday for the past 10 days so im bound to get addicted to something. haha :)

V-BLOG #2 - GOODBYE

2009-09-15T02:32:00.004+08:00

I SPOKE VERY FAST. HAHA but i played a song at the end.

That wasn't a perfect take, I forgot the ending part and stopped the recording. hahaha. but i wanted to add at the end that sometimes its abit hard to say goodbye (i fucking suck at it) but u just gotta do it sometimes. im gonna really miss working at vivo.

well, its not my last day yet but its been one fucking big rollercoaster there, friendship, arguments, love, heartbreak and everything in between. i made a whole lot of close friends there who i really treasure till this very day. so its very sad.

i hate goodbyes, i really do.

its a shame, that it had to be this way

its hard enough to say im sorry

maybe im to blame, or maybe we're the same

but either way i can't breathe

all i had to say is goodbye

we're better off this way

im alive but im losing all my drive

cause everything we're been thru and everything about you

seems to be a lie, a gilted twisted lie

that made me learn to hate you

or hate myself for letting it pass by

2009-09-12T01:59:00.000+08:00

My favourite band of 2005:

FINCH

2009-09-04T00:14:00.002+08:00

My 2007's favorite song from top 5 favorite bands of this decade...

The Sound - Further Seems Forever

2009-09-02T01:41:00.002+08:00

these few days at work have been really great. customer's have been nicer for some reason and especially sunday, EVERYONE was nice and when people treat you nicely, of course i treat them 10 fold better. i could have a customer service award that day if i got spotted. HAHA.

i believe good in retail/f&b/hospitality/wherever, good service goes both ways which is why if you go somewhere hoping to get some good customer service, dont make that person's life difficult.

today was quite a special day at work. early in the morning, the flying dutchman (fd) came to the store and asked if glenn was there. i figured he meant glenn ong so i said not yet. i didnt know what was going on until they explained, which happened to be that they are having a charity walk so adidas is sponsoring and they are picking up gear for the event. then glenn arrived and VERNETTA LOPEZ too with 3 other ladies who I fail to recognise.

I didn't see any relationship relating these 3 people until I asked vernetta what she has been doing lately. she said radio, her wedding planning business (i think its that, but surely smth to do with wedding) and just came back from honeymoon. in my heart, i was like "wow, u are married? congrats" (i forgot to say it out. haha) she is one of the most elegant ladies in the entertainment business here and definitely one of the nicest i have met and whoever her husband is, is a very lucky man.

so i asked her, "where are you now (station)?". she said class 95. and i asked one of the ladies if she does radio as well, then vern was like "she's my boss". i'm like WAH AWESOME. turns out the event is a class 95 event and the relation is that everyone's from class 95! so, the lady's name is Erina and she's really really nice and she can speak awesome malay. (she looked like she's half white/malay or arab).

i was so happy to meet them, cause you know, i've been working on some music material and these people are radio deejays and erina is actually the programme director at class 95 so being in contact with them can be very very useful. its opportunity in the eyes for me so instinctively, i "selet daun" abit and i told them about it and asked if i can send my stuff to them, they are like "yeah! u can..!" erina said she can even send to 987fm if its not suitable for her station. WAHHHHH. happpyyy siolz...

SO AS this happened, I am extra motivated to push the completion of my songs even faster cause i really want to get it out there since there is a door now for me to go thru. hohoho. so we'll see, its gonna be faster than we thought. i'm not celebrating hari raya too much this year i guess cause after the 3rd day, im gonna record everyday. hope can complete before october starts. then boleh distribute! woohoo.

so long stokin. im gonna chill for now. i'll update again soon.

2009-08-31T01:44:00.002+08:00

ok edit. im not in love. haha. i was manipulating the situation.

but it just feels good when a girl says to u 'i miss you' 'thinking of u here' 'everythings ok but something's missing and its you' .... its been a long long time since i had that so when someone actually does that to me, i really really become the happiest person in bukit panjang. its just that i long to feel that way for so long without actually getting it and with all the previous emotions i had been putting up with, its really a great "softener" of the heart. it just makes me smile.

i kind of miss the girl from germany a little bit. cause she made me smile, messed up my brain a little, but all in a good way. lets hope we talk soon. :)

2009-08-28T04:00:00.002+08:00

the girls who i tend to fall in love with either go to a random country, come back and don't know me anymore OR, SUDDENLY GO TO A RANDOM COUNTRY AND NEVER COME BACK. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!?!

2009-08-27T00:07:00.001+08:00

why do bad things happen to good people? why why why!?!

MUSIC: SHORT TERM TARGET

2009-08-25T01:17:00.003+08:00

MUSIC: Short-Term Target

I've been working on some stuff lately at home on my off-days, and progress so far is quite slow. I've got structures for 3 English songs done, all with uncompleted lyrics which I am currently stuck on cause I've decided this time I won't settle for anything I consider "just ok". IT HAS TO BE FUCKIN' AWESOME. hahaha :P Plus I have a few more stuck somewhere in my head which I haven't explore enough but its gonna be on paper soon :)

Also, I hope to write and record some new Malay songs too before National Service, cause somehow as much as I prefer writing English stuff, Malay songs to me, since its my native language, is easier for me to express.

Therefore,

SHORT TERM MUSIC GOAL:

By 1 October 2009, I will have at least 5 NEW Songs, all completely produced.

My last day at Adidas officially is 17 September 2009, and I go into the army on the 8th of October 2009 and I swear to god, I dread the day to come. But I have no choice so I'll keep an open mind and hope the 2 years inside the military will not feel as long as it sounds. Currently, I just want to get my music done and be satisfied with it myself and hope people will like it :)

So that's all I gotta say folks. Have a good ramadhan.

I am fairly agile, I can bend and not break, but I can break and take it with a smile.

How I Live My Life

2009-08-24T02:28:00.002+08:00

Well the only reason why I'm writing here is because I can't sleep, eventhough I'm so sleepy.

Been thinking about a few things lately, namely AMBITIONS.

People like to ask, "What you're gonna do after NS?"

I'll usually answer, "Dunno, see first loh..." or "Maybe get a degree or something lah". But I tell you there's more than meets the eyes and in this case, ears. Those 2 phrases are not my real answers, they are critical reality-conscious answers.

I hold a Diploma in Music & Audio Technology and honestly speaking I am so proud of that certificate cause its really something I love. But when it comes to answering the "After NS" question, especially to relatives, I have a give a diplomatic answer like the above "I'm not sure", "See how" "Maybe study". I once experimented with an Adidas customer, who's a post-grad now just starting to practice law in Singapore, at work, she asked me abt the same thing and I gave the most truthful answer:

"I wanna song-write, then maybe push hard for the USA market. If that doesn't work out, i'll produce albums for artiste..."

The moment you read that, I know you guys are like "yeah, like real like that". Well, thats exactly what I got from her. I got a blank blank stare for 5 seconds from her, and she's like "Oh, that's a good dream."

DREAM? DREAM? what do you mean dream? - Inside Iskandar Rawi's MIND.

I have this thing against the word "Dream". I know, every kid, every single person in this world has had that thing they adore, the thing they hope to have, the hope of getting something so seemingly impossible and the hope of achieving something, among other things. It's really ok to DREAM of it for a while. It feels good to dream doesn't it, but do you really want it? Do you want it BAD?

You can quote me on this:

A DREAM STAYS A DREAM when you don't get out of that seat.

The first step is easy. Scrap that dream word. Treat that word only as something you experience in your sleep.

Use this word: GOAL

FUCK THE DREAM, MAKE IT A GOAL AND AIM FOR IT.

Football Association of Singapore (FAS) did that. Their vision: GOAL 2010 (For Singapore to play in the World Cup finals). Of course, they didn't pass the preliminaries, but they produced the best showing EVER in World Cup Qualifying 2009 to the THIRD ROUND, among the Top 20 teams in Asia. That's a failed goal, but they've improved tremendously since they had that vision. If they named it "DREAM 2010", fuck, my honest guess is that we'll still be losing to Malaysia.

I believe in "The Law Of Attraction". (check wikipedia) Technically, I'm not supposed to believe anything outside of Islam, if it involves fate or whatever, but the Law of Attraction makes sense. The main idea is this "if you really want something and truly believe it's possible, you'll get it" and its true, thats why there's a saying "if there's a will, there's a way", so get the fuck off that seat.

That brings me to this, for the record, my ambition is to be a Songwriter/Producer and my goal doing that is to break into the North American market and earn a good living out of it after NS. That's a 5-year plan from now. Then if that works out and I earn enough and I'm brave enough, I'm gonna do a 3 continent overland trip starting from Morocco all the way to Singapore, thru Europe, Middle East, China then finally SEA.

That's all I gotta say guys. Have a good one. Have a great Ramadhan.

ISKANDAR RAWI VIDEO BLOG #1 - TYPECAST/RAMADHAN

2009-08-22T02:59:00.001+08:00

No One Really Wins (Copeland Cover)

2009-08-22T02:00:00.002+08:00

ISKANDAR RAWI - NO ONE REALLY WINS (COPELAND COVER)

No One Really Wins (Copeland Cover) - Iskandar Rawi

Well, like I said in the previous post, I wanna do the Copeland cover, so here it is! :D I didn't really sing the correct lyrics, but whatever, it was 1am in the morning when I recorded it. hehe. enjoy!

2009-08-18T00:23:00.005+08:00

Copeland - No One Really Wins This Time

Welcome love, I have made a place for you here
And I know every word they say
I don't really want to make you change

Change if you want, but don't you go and change for me
I can love you as you are
I didn't mean to make you want to leave

It's a fight between my heart and mind
No one really wins this time
No one really wins this time

If you don't find a love you want
If I have acted ungracefully
I don't want to see you go
I never meant to make you want to leave

Go if you want
Make your way straight to the door
I hope that you'll look back before you go
Cause grace looks back before it starts to leave

It's a fight between my heart and mind
No one really wins this time
No one really wins this time
In the endless fight of grace and pride
I don't want to win this time
I don't want to win this time

Change if you want, but don't you go and change for me
I will love you as you are
I didn't mean to make you want to leave

It's a fight between my heart and mind
No one really wins this time
No one really wins this time
In the endless fight of grace and pride
I don't want to win this time
I don't want to win this time
In the endless fight of grace and pride
I don't want to win this time
I don't want to win this time

Yes, I know I haven't been updating but the main reason is really: I'm just being plain lazy.

So anyway, I kind of stopped talking about my travels in June/July halfway and just in case u have been living under a rock, I'm back home in Singapore, and have been back for a month and a half.

I didn't conclude what happened overall (and I don't remember all), so I'm gonna do it now (VERY LONG OVERDUE and UNNECESSARY i know). I just feel like doing it, cause it was to "close" things.

So I visited a few places in the east coast of USA:

USA

New York City

Buffalo

Rochester

CANADA

Toronto

Scarborough

Niagara Falls

Transit in Tokyo both-ways, and learnt ALOT OF JAPANESE by accident on Japan Airlines, cause all the announcements they spoke is given in Japanese first, then in very simple-scripted English. In fact, I spoke abit of Japanese with a customer from Japan today. I feel so awesome. HAHA.

I caught alot of music over there: No Doubt, Paramore, Ryan Cabrera, watched the NXNW festival in Toronto, jammed with a drummer on the streets of downtown Toronto too. Taking Back Sunday/Anberlin/Envy On The Coast got cancelled so that sucked. Could have caught Plain White Ts, Bayside, Moneen, Alexisonfire and so on if I had a bigger budget but it didnt matter in the end cause the rest of the bands/artistes I got to watch were awesome, especially Ryan, and no matter how gay I may sound, he's an awesome dude. Just watching his show and getting to meet the person himself was just so awesome.

I was in New York alone the whole New York leg of the trip, but I really felt it was the best time to self-reflect and know what I really want in this whole life thing.

I went to central park, wondered aimlessly and pondered.

I sat at the fire-escape (like the ones u see in F.R.I.E.N.D.S) looking at the stars.

I sat down by the bay staring at the Statue of Liberty thinking "Why on earth do you need a thing like that?"

A whole new environment, a whole new perspective on things. I thought clearly for the first time in a while and I'm glad that happened. It's like you analyse things under a different light and it works wonders for yourself.

Then I met a friend in this guy called Murat. He's a Turkish dude studying in another part of the States, but just happens to be helping out at the hostel I was staying in and he's working as a waiter at a nearby restaurant. Basically he lives at the hostel permanently and since I stay there as well for a while, we talk alot over the few days. One of the days, over a smoking session, he said he needed to talk to someone cause he was sad and then turned out it was because of a girl. So of course I said yeah no problem. Then talk talk talk, i ended up talking to him about my stuff too. Everything about girls, travelling, studying, long-distance relationships, more girls, niggers, islam, drinking, smoking, work, commission/tips, football, turkey, singapore whatever under the sun. and of course I had my problems to as well, so we just helped each other out, while listening to turkish emo songs. haha. Its almost he's my brother in New York, even my own brother dont talk to me about this kind of things. Like, we just knew each other for 5 days and it feels like 5 years. You don't get these things staying at home.

Then along the way I also met Byrn who's this Welsh guy in Toronto, Taylor - fellow struggling Toronto musician in New York (who btw introduced me to something quite crazy) and the most awesome Australian girl called Lucy who I sadly failed to get her facebook profile. Ok firstly, she's HOT. HAHA, im serious. Slim, just slightly shorter than me, black hair and VERY sweet. AND THE BEST THING, she spoke BAHASA INDONESIA, which is practically MALAY. so basically I'm 10000 miles (or probably more) from Singapore, haven't spoke Malay to anyone for a week plus and haven't heard a single Malay word since my flight took off, (I swear I heard more Japanese words than Malay) and I met a white australian girl with black hair in Toronto who speaks Malay, obviously I TURNED CRAZY. CRAZY. CRAZY. I was crazy over her I swear to god. BUT SHE LEFT THE NEXT MORNING before I knew it. Do you know how sad I was? HAHA. Well, nothing I can do about it now expect hack the hostel's customer profile system. hahaha.

I met Kat's friends as well, who were a very cool bunch I will say. I had a little party with them at Kat's house and Kat's mum can really cook. She even bought for me Maggi's Chilli Sauce. It's so difficult to get it there cause everyone depends on ketchup and most of the food there arent made spicy cause generally white people dont like spices i guess. Heck, even the thai fried rice at the foodcourt was sweet. (nevertheless i appreciate the fact Kat bought it for us to share :))

I didn't really fit in with Kat's friends very well cause its kind of different in some ways. Sometimes it was because I chose to shut up cause I don't want to say anything stupid, and at the same time they didnt talk to me. Then sometimes, I was just tired of speaking ENGLISH, not SINGLISH. THERE'S A WHOLE FUCKING DRASTIC DIFFERENCE TO THOSE 2. I spoke a bit of Singlish to Kat and she fuckin dont understand a single word I said. HAHA, i found that amusing. Then there are times where me and Kat argued over stupid things so we stopped talking too. But these things happen so nothing much can be helped. But her friends were great, esp Geraldine who was really nice, and also Lisa. Will's a nutcracker and Jan was awesome too. Thanks for the cigg. haha.

- this part here, the blog entry disappeared, so whatever below this line is retyped -

All in all I say this trip was really something. I met people who I never imagined meeting. Experienced things people alot of people can't. I got verbally racistly taunted by niggers on the streets, but thats ok, cause they didnt do anything other than that. But all in all an awesome experience.

This trip wouldn't even have happened if I didnt go out there "chasing a dream". Partially because I was so depressed over someone, but that gave me a reason to try my best to divert my attention somewhere to keep me from going insane, and in this case, by going for what I really wanted to do: TRAVEL. I practically worked my ass off to get enough funds to cover the trip. 4 off days a month for 3 months, imagine. But I saved up alot of money and eventually after 3 months of saving money like crazy(75% of whatever i earned), I got enough, bought air-tickets and fly. My dad only knew 4 days before I went off, but he didn't get to say anything cause I've decided for myself.

So what I'm trying to say is that, if you really want something, GO FOR IT. If there's a will, there's a way. No one believed me if I said I wanna go to New York alone then travel to Canada from there to meet Kat the following month. I kept it to myself and the first person I told was Asmin i think, and he said "Ape kau merepek siol?" Noriman called me crazy. But I pulled it off. So PEOPLE, GO FOR IT, PROVE PEOPLE WRONG. It started out as a "dream". But dreams are there for you to chase, and if you work towards it and do the right things, its all possible. :)

Right now, I have a new dream: TO write awesome music, GET people to like my music and eventually earn a living out of it. I've gone on my first few steps towards that and I actually have something up my sleeves already. Hopefully I can let you guys listen to them by early September. Keep you fingers crossed that I have enough time. :)

In the meanwhile, I have this strong urge to record a cover of the song I posted in this post. Love the song so much. It's quite parallel to what I felt sometime back right after/during the Zila thing. It's a fight between my heart and mind. Listening to it now, it gives me this feeling that i think I'm better off this way. I'm 99% over it i guess (don't worry that 1% im handling it well, it'll be gone before you know it ;)). It was a long long time ago, but as history shows, I take a long time to get over these things (eventhough we werent together, i waited so long and anticipated so much so it feels like losing someone u already had). I never got the chance to tell her what I wanted to tell her, and its obviously too late and redundant now, but sometimes its better left unsaid, and won't make any difference anyway right? So I'll forget it, and I can safely say I'm on my way.

I'm on my way.

Have a good one guys. Hope u like the post. :)

hold the door partial cover :)

2009-07-14T23:49:00.002+08:00

I was just testing my recording system at home, so yeah i decided to do this for fun cause i really love the song. :) and don't expect too much! haha, 1 hour job. hehe

HOLD THE DOOR (partial AFS cover) - Iskandar Rawi

McDonald's Breakfast in Toronto

2009-06-28T12:54:00.003+08:00

at mcdonalds in toronto:

me: HI! can i have a sausage mcmuffin meal to go?

cashier: yeah sure, what drink would you like?

me : (without the slightest hesitation) ice milo.

cashier: *blank stare* ....

me: *shows the WTF are you waiting for FACE*

cashier: *still having blank stare*

me: OH... opps, *giggles* oh yeah, you dont have it. this is not singapore. *still laughing at myself*

cashier: *wtf face*

me: orange juice please.

----------end of convo----------

FUCKED UP YEOH!

i didn't want to type this post, but i'm so happy.

2009-06-24T09:55:00.003+08:00

i'm too tired to blog so im just gonna pack my bags and go to sleep after this

it's my last night in toronto today, heading back to new york tomorrow. its been very draining emotionally and phsycologically here. i'll probably blog in the bus, cause it has WIFI. :)

i have a few more days in new york and abit in new jersey. my flight reaches singapore in the early hours of 2nd July at 12.30am (so its monday night). honestly i can't wait to be home. i really can't. i miss everything about singapore. my family, my friends, the cleanliness and MOST IMPORTANTLY, i swear HOME FOOD! and I BADLY NEED TO SPEAK SOME MALAY BADLY.

SHIT, i actually don't wanna type anymore, but I AM SO HAPPY TODAY. all along for these 11 days i've been away, people have no fucking idea what my race is, to them i'm either filipino or basically just "asian". some people also though that i'm from korea/taiwan cause they know i'm asian but i dont look chinese SO CONFIRM I NOT FROM CHINA (they think asia is just japan + china + korea + whatever). and some says i look spanish, which was cool actually. haha, but it got abit annoying abt the filipino part (no offence again, just abit too irritated), to the point I was at the tokyo airport, there was a flight near my gate which is bound for manila and this filipino lady there was like "so this is our flight?" HAHAHA. fuck...

OK SO THE REASON WHY I'M HAPPY IS THAT cause i was buying food at this halal west indian CHICKEN BRIYANI STALL right below my hostel, and the uncle of the shop was very nice and i was talking to him and he said he's from bangladesh. i was like wow, u guys come so far to make a living. he gave me one defined curious look at my face and asked "ARE YOU MALAYSIAN?" .... i was like "YES, FINALLY!!!!! OMG SOMEBODY ACTUALLY KNOWS! *SMILING VERY VERY WIDELY*"

i know thats not the most exact answer, but dude, AT LEAST HE KNEW I'M MALAY! its amazing considering people here dont even come close to getting it right. it was a breath of fresh air, the freshest air i have ever inhaled here. so i told him "well, i'm malay, but i'm singaporean". and i told him about how diff it is to find halal food and how i miss food back home and i cant find malay/malaysians here. and he's like "well, there's quite a number living somewhere here *pointing to directions where they live*". its a really good feeling. at least i know im not alone. i know its too late for me to meet them now, but that conversation with the uncle really made my day. it really made me smile, i dont even know why... and he had that singaporean indian accent, so it felt good hearing that too. like i go into a not-so-nice shop (no offence, but it looks very coffeeshop) and buy chicken briyani from an indian uncle for lunch. IT DOESNT GET ANY MORE SINGAPOREAN THAN THAT IN TORONTO. i think i'm gonna have my last dinner in toronto there tmr. he made my day today.

wow, ok i really gotta pack and sleep. haha. a random lazy post turned into a long one :) have a good one guys. miss you all back home. i'm almost going crazy.

MUCH MUSIC VIDEO AWARDS SOUNDCHECK: Jonas Brothers, Lady Gaga, Kelly Clarkson & Nickelback

2009-06-22T06:38:00.002+08:00

Sunday 21st June, 5:00pm:

Queen's Street West in Toronto, Ontario

Soundcheck for MUCHMUSIC VIDEO AWARDS.

Featuring Jonas Brothers, Kelly Clarkson, Nickelback and LADY GAGA.

Nickelback

Lady Gaga

Jonas Brothers

KELLY CLARKSON!!!! (abit fat though.. but still, awesome singer)

again, jo'bros (abang-abang jonas)

16 June: 6 years in the Making. NO DOUBT & PARAMORE.

2009-06-19T23:08:00.016+08:00

*FYI, all dates/times are Toronto/New York time. Here is 12 hours slower, so example if its 3pm, 19 June in Toronto, Singapore is 3am, 20 June.

Tuesday, 16 June 2009

So from the previous long post, I told you that I reached Toronto at about 6.30 - 7am. I sat at starbucks for an hour to figure out the place with kat's help and the wireless internet. then i just started walking pretty much using my instincts and abit of asking.

FUCK, it was the longest walk I've ever been on. OK, not the longest, but ya'know with the super heavy combined weight of 18kg bag pack and my sling bag, its crazy. the distance is like walking from orchard mrt to ermm, maybe Peninsular?? yeah fuck it was a torture.

Took me about an hour and a half to reach hostel. I WAS LIKE "FINALLY" it was still early to check in so just put my bags there, stoned for a while and waited for kat to reach the station nearest to my hostel.

So later, I went to meet Kat, first time in 6 years and she's pretty much the same as how I pictured her. :D im really don't know how to describe it but its such a great feeling meeting someone so close to you after so long. <3>

FOR ADIDAS STAFF/FANATIC: I found the ONLY adidas sports performance store in the whole of CANADA right here in toronto (the second biggest country in the world), but they have alot of the sports heritage stores here though. The sports performance one is maybe 1.5 times as big as the one in vivocity. Its 2 storeys high. the first storey is about 4/5 of vivo's floor space and the second floor is about half of the ground floor.and the best thing is that the second storey is dedicated specially for soccer and basketball. the soccer section took about 3/4 of the scape which was surprising cause i didnt know they had a soccer culture here. :D

Later, me and kat ate Harvey's which was like Burger King plus McDonald's. You pick the burger flavour, then you pick your toppings (vege, onions, sauces etc). It reminded me of sani cause it'll be so convenient for him cause he's "ALLERGIC" to vegetables. hahaha.

AFTER THAT WAS NO DOUBT AND PARAMORE! I don't wanna say alot of it but both bands were great! the opening band for the concert was this band called Bedoiun SoundClash was nice, kind of like POP with reggae mixed. I think they were specially chosen by No Doubt cause its probably how No Doubt sounded in their early days. not totally my kind of music, but they are good to listen.

NEXT WAS PARAMORE. i love this band to bits and they didn't disappoint. they are one of the HUGE reasons why I even considered coming here. so i can do 2 things at the time: see one of my fav bands in the world, and meet one of my fav people in the world. haha. well paramore didnt play a perfect set but they were very tight as what i expected them to sound. for me the set was abit short, but cant really help it cause they're a supporting act. They played alot of their popular singles and stuff. Misery Business, Pressure, Thats what you get, Crush crush crush, decode. And also some new songs on their upcoming album and they played 'when it rains' which is one of my fav songs. :D they ended the set with decode and kids very screaming.

THE STAR OF THE NIGHT: NO DOUBT i didn't come for the concert for no doubt actually. i thought "yeah i'll just watch". haha. but fuck they made me a fan. the coolest thing was, i came for no doubt thinking i didnt know alot of the songs, but just being there, i actually knew most of what they were playing. haha. so it was unexpectedly very fun for me. at least, i knew kat had a great time. right right? hehe :P.

The stage was amazing too. they had this platform and stuff. you'll see in the pictures. it was an amazing experience. first time watching a concert like this and probably the best concert i've ever been too. just the stage setting was great. it wasn't a concert, it was an experience. really it is. some of you guys should really go to one of these if ur really into music. :D ... all in all it was a great day and i love it here, even though i just cannot stand the walking anymore.

hahaha. i gonna update about my last few days maybe later tonight, cause im starving now. :D have a good one guys and girls.

Paramore in Toronto (Partial Post!)

2009-06-17T14:18:00.004+08:00

I actually have lots and lots of pics and videos, but its late and i'm tired and most of the pics are with kat. so i'll upload more tomorrow maybe. Here's just a little 55 sec video, CRUSH CRUSH CRUSH and my ticket!

ISK!

Hostel, New York City and the 10 hour BUS RIDE to....

2009-06-16T19:00:00.005+08:00

HI Singapore and beyond,

It's 3 days into my trip and its been quite awesome actually.

I'm pleased to announce that I have just arrived in Toronto, Ontario in CANADA! :D 10 hour bus ride, but slept thru 90% of it. So it felt like 30 minutes, but I'm here!

My 1 and a half day in New York was quite eye opening. BIG CITY, GREAT INFRASTRUCTURE, GOOD STREET FOOD (and halal too)... but lots of homeless people. lots. its quite sad. Midtown Manhattan can be a beautiful place. It's almost like downtown Singapore. But even then, there's alot of people sleeping in the streets and stuff. Very sad thing to see.

My hostel was great. I stayed at this place called Chelsea Spot, about a 5 minute walk from Madison Square Garden where all great things happen. The people there were very very nice. Among the people travelling alone was me, this one korean guy and a dude from England. The English dude has been travelling for 6 WEEKS in NORTH AMERICA. 6 FUCKING WEEKS, and yesterday was his last day in USA. Very inspiring. haha. Maybe I should do one across Europe like that the next time. :)

So other places I already visited on my first 2 days were Central Park, Times Square, SoHo and BROADWAY. It rained crazily yesterday and somehow I lost my 1 day unlimited METROCARD (like an ez-link) after getting 3 trips out of it. haha, so i decided to walk all the way from Central Park to my hostel. That took about 2 and a half hours including going into different shops and buying some stuff and eating. I think losing that metrocard was a blessing in disguise cause if not, I didnt get to see as many things as I did along the way.

I haven't taken a huge deal of photos in New York yet, but I'll be there again mid next week so Zul's tripod, my sister's digicam and my videocam will come into very good use.

BUT LATER, im watching NO DOUBT & PARAMORE! woohoo! my highlight of the today supposedly. haha. Really looking forward to it.

Iskandar Rawi

Select Pictures!

After a grueling 25 hours, New York is finally here....

2009-06-15T03:08:00.002+08:00

So as the title reads,

I am here in New York City. Reached 3 hours ago. Immigration took an hour but it was all good.

The flight food from Tokyo to NYC was horrible, but the SG - Tokyo was pleasantly surprising. They served NASI LEMAK. hahaha. It's Japan Airlines mind you. So now I have declared that JAPANESE FOOD IS NOT FOR ME.

On the flight, it had those personal entertainment systems so it was kind of ok cause I got to watch 4 movies which includes 2 chick flicks. haha. The International, He's Not That Into You, Confessions of a Shopoholic and this other movie I forgot. at least 20 hours in flight not wasted :)

Officially now, my bag pack is 12kg and my sling bag is 6 kg. Its like freakin army. I walked about 500m in it just now and its fucking horrible. hahaha. But im ok though.

Later Im going around town just to see what they have for me to eat, cause Im starving. alrite. enjoy the pictures! I'll update tomorrow!

...

2009-06-13T03:43:00.001+08:00

2009-06-12T01:40:00.001+08:00

JL710, Tokyo. 13 June 2009, 22.40.

2009-06-09T01:26:00.002+08:00

13 June 2009, Saturday, 8pm. Terminal 1.

2009-06-06T01:43:00.001+08:00

Making April - I Wrote This Song

2009-06-06T01:37:00.002+08:00

My favourtie band this summer: MAKING APRIL

Roses & Butterflies

I can see where you are
I can tell you're enjoying it so far
I would love to escape, but now I'm bound
By the of burn of your eyes
Looking on as I'm starting to realize
I'm a pawn in your game and this is checkmate

As the roses lift their heads to catch a glimpse of my demise
You'll be throwing lies around like ocean waves throw down the tides
And they are breaking on my shore
And the rescue team won't save me now I'm out too far

So I'll waste these nights for a while
But I'll be holding onto you forever
And this is where my heart is cold and torn
As I read the words you wrote last night
The butterflies are creeping through my spine

It's a thrill I can't shake
Yeah I know we've been writing a mistake
But it's hard to erase the feelings I've drawn
I was caught in an awkward silence
Broken down by the sound of your prelude that you played
To open our symphony
I've been sleeping with the sunrise watching hours pass away
Incidentally I'm just waiting for the dusk to kill the day
But now I'm waiting for your call
While I bang on this piano like you care at all

So I'll waste these nights for a while
But I'll be holding onto you forever
And this is where my heart is cold and torn
As I read the words you wrote last night
The butterflies are creeping through my spine

As I hear the words you're saying tonight
I'm falling for them every single time
As the roses dip their heads a little further to the ground
There's a season change and all the pinks and whites have turned to brown
Will we make it through the fall yeah are we gonna make it through this fall
'Cause I don't wanna fall with you
I'm trying, we're dying, yeahhh
I'm taken by your hope-filled lines
They're well designed and dragging me along
I'll be waiting for this chance and I'll be gone

2009-06-03T03:28:00.002+08:00

the lead-up to this trip is pretty much horrible. i'm literally counting every single cent that i use right now up till the departure. there's actually quite some money in the bank, but I am not allowing myself to use it, cause if I do, I'll starve in the states.

This feeling resides between temptation and frustration. I worked so damn hard and I got my pay but I myself restrict my use of the money. Its a case of So Rich but So Broke. I should write a song about that.

Usual paydays, I will slurge like crazy happily knowing it wont do me much harm. But now since I'm saving up to the trip, I am still bringing food to work daily (this used to only happen a few days leading up to pay day when I am broke and waiting for pay. haha) and just stopped spending on my WANTS. I've only spent once on food out of the 12 work break times I had. It is that bad, but the rest is my mum's food so its ok. Its just that you know, we want to eat out at times.

the best thing is, I am still short of money. ARGH. Irritating.

cause I haven't bought tickets to Taking Back Sunday and its gonna suck if it runs out before I can get them. haha.

i really hope this misery will be something real damn good come 13 june. I'll be waiting for it, badly.

2009-05-29T01:08:00.001+08:00

When I first started writing this, I swear
My intentions were well
And I'd start with maybe a memory or two
But then I saw you for the first time in a while
And awkward thoughts brought awkward smiles
And I left your room for the very last time

And I know that I can't sleep
With all of these things, that are running through my head
So I stayed up, and I

I wrote this song about you
Isn't that cliché of me to do?
But it's nothing for you
The band just needed something more to play
So don't blush or "hooray" at the possible sound of your name
'Cause you know I wouldn't go that far, no

Now I, I've watched these years disperse and still this verse lacks words
And I'm losing all but a memory or two
'Cause now I see you, and I can't hold back a smile
Your fashion's long gone out of style
And there's nothing left to impress me anymore

'Cause I know that I can't see
That same girl that I had known so long ago
So I gave up, and I

I wrote this song about you
Isn't that cliché of me to do?
But it's nothing for you
The band just needed something more to play
So don't blush or "hooray" at the possible sound of your name
'Cause you know that I wouldn't go that far
No, I wouldn't go that far

And you're dying to know
If a "thank you" will show up on my back sleeve
But I don't think I'll tell
Of who crafted this hell and fixed it on me
To the world
I wrote this song
I wrote it about you
I wrote this song all about you
Yeah, the band just needed one more song to play

I wrote this song about you
Isn't that cliché of me to do?
But it's nothing for you
The band just needed something more to play
So don't blush or "hooray" at the possible sound of your name
'Cause you know I wouldn't go that far
No, I wouldn't go that far
No, I wouldn't go that far
No, I wouldn't go

2009-05-29T00:19:00.002+08:00

yeah its been super long since i updated.

been busy with work, saving money for my trip.

i've been doing fine, just that i'm stressed about my itinerary and the financial side of it. I'm about $400 short now. budget is so tight and im feelin the heat cause i'm not sure if i can get enough funds by departure and i dont wanna borrow money. so DONATIONS of ANY SORT are openly welcomed thru paypal. HAHAHAHA.

email: iskandar_2001@hotmail.com. any amount is appreciated!!

abit of details for you guys, i'll be leaving for NYC on the night of 13 june (sat) and coming back early july. its a solo trip, i'll just be within about 500 miles (abt 800km?) from new york so no big deal (like sg to malaysia-thai border). i'll try update you guys every 24 or 48 hours.

so actually why am i going there?

1- i wanna see a new place.

2- i wanna watch awesome live music.

3- i had this strong urge to travel somewhere far and unfamiliar

4- i wanna see another part of the world/different places/different people

5- experience living out of a backpack/staying in different places

6- meet new people

7- eat american food (and pie. haha)

8- self discovery/reflection

9- enjoy by myself

10- and visit my dear good friend :)

so people's reactions have been way extreme. some called me crazy, while some encouraged me like saying "make it dope!" haha.

the worst part of all this is that my dad still doesnt know i'm going, but now I've got my tickets done and everything, so even if he doesnt want me to go, i still have to go. so im on suspension now. hopefully everything goes well :D

i really cant wait.

isk.

2009-04-30T01:40:00.001+08:00

sometime back, i read this random article and from what it said, i was showing signs of depression. HAHAHAHA. wow, what love can do to you.

2009-04-30T01:32:00.002+08:00

sometimes when i sit down and have nothing to think about, i think about you~ still.

i'm trying my very very best to get on with life and so far i think im doing ok. its just so hard when you've waited so long for someone and something like this happens. i was really expecting to be so much happier now, but yes it turned out this way.

you know what they say, be contented with what you have.

right now, i'm just planning this awesome trip what i have in mind and hopefully it will happen. for once, something better go my way. haha.

isk

2009-04-28T19:46:00.002+08:00

this summer i'll be there.

i hope....

barang lagi merepek!

2009-04-14T20:56:00.003+08:00

zul special effect's assignment!

starring ZUL, AHMAD, SANI & ISKANDAR!

barang merepek

2009-04-14T20:49:00.002+08:00

petir idol. sing anyhow. hahaha.

i think we recorded this one in mid-march since we had nothing to do. this is pretty bad. thats all i can say. i have videos of the others singing also, but i think it will "breach their privacy". haha. maut dok!

2009-04-13T00:40:00.002+08:00

i've been staying up very late these past few days doing the most random things. like wednesday night i went bowling with the normal people till then zul came over my place at 2.30am to watch the man utd game. it ended at like 5am or smth. thursday night i don't know where the hell i went but i know zul again ended up at my place to watch the liverpool game, which i'm not ashamed to say i slept through it. haha.

friday night is the most random, i was supposed to have supper with some of the adidas guys at seam imm until their last train, but i bumped into nick from school and ended up hanging out at his place till 4am+ with carmen and bani. zul was there too. the things we talked about were hilarious... breakups, sex, girls, drugs, music, all that type of shit. good stress release session.

but saturday night was fun, watched the man utd game with sani and asmin at cdans, then syahrul and dhuha joined us for bowling and then had supper and played cards till 6am. wtf were we thinking. hahaha.

work was fun, we had a phototaking session which was very last minute for shikin and razy's training tmr. me and some other people had to "model" for the thing. i look like a 15-year mat. you've never seen me dress up like that before. photos soon! (if i remember that is) haha.

i actually have lost the will to work so hard. the only thing stopping me from quitting work right now is my lack of financial funding to go have fun and maybe travel abit. i just got my motorbike insurance renewal letter and that bloody thing cost $710, which is due first week of may. doesnt include my road tax and inspection which is like another 50. im badly thinking of selling the bike, but life's gonna suck without it. and i love this bike so much so im thinking things thru, like i always have about other things. :P i'll see how things go.

heard tottenham hotspur's cancelling their trip here. made me abit sad. like its the one thing i have been looking forward to and its not gonna happen. why why? everytime like this. everything. i'm not gonna start listing cause its not gonna end. haha. just put a fullstop there and smile.

so long guys.

2009-04-10T01:56:00.002+08:00

just got back from KL a few days ago. it was a good trip, had fun with going around KL, genting and sepang. watched the dramatic grand prix too, which was kinda fun but very wet. jamiroquai turned out to be a letdown but i didnt really care anyway.

i took my mind off things during the trip, but during the journey there which was 5 hours with nothing to do except sit on the amazingly boring coach seat, alot of things went in and out of my mind. what made it worse was that eventhough we took the overnite bus (i planned to sleep thru the journey), i had a good 15 hour sleep the nite before so i was kept awake 3/4 of the trip. so the whole time i was thinking and pondering of the things which mattered so much to me and its all gone now. i pretty much teared myself to sleep on the bus listening to all-american rejects' move along album. the last song i remembered before feel asleep was it ends tonight. what an irony.

the trip was an escape for me. i made sure i enjoyed myself, which i did. i didnt want to come home at all. when i reached back home at woodlands border, i felt reality gushing down my shoulders. it was realisation at its worst. i dont want to be here. i dont want to.

honestly, im doing better than before. but i'm still sore of course, i'm just so used to feeling like shit. there was no one i ever wanted so bad, having waited for almost 2 years to win the heart of this beautiful girl and i blew it. i really have no one to blame but myself. she was everything i ever wanted but i didnt show it to her. now i just dont want her to hate me. and truth be known, i'm very worried.

i'm taking it easy now, but it just sucks when everything you have to do reminds you of her. like just going to work reminds me of her. and i go to work a whole fuckin lot! haha. cause everytime i work (and i mean EVERYTIME) i used to hope she works too so i get to meet her, it rarely happens but when it does, you'll see me smiling brighter than the adidas lights. its those little things y'know. i can go on and on but if i do that i'll max out my blogger account space usage. haha.

i just miss everything. not just her, but everything. the excitement, the anxiety of meeting her, the rushing from bukit panjang to orchard, the sitting down and talking by the sea, the rushing (again) to find a flower to get her, the picking her up from her workplace, the awesomely long text messages we sent each other, the birthdays... and every little thing that happened. right now i sit her in front of my under-utilised macbook pro just stoning through these virtual in-my-mind lovely memories which makes me smile but 10 seconds later, make me frown- cause i can't have all those back.

i dont want to lose her totally. i dont want her to hate me. i've lost too much.

2009-04-03T13:26:00.004+08:00

all i wanted to do was to make you feel like the most special person in the world and i failed. if i can turn back time and undo my mistakes, i'll give the world to you. it kills me to think that i can't get back all the times we had together. i miss you :(

2009-04-03T02:01:00.004+08:00

i'll be in KL till further notice, just for me to escape from everything.

i badly need this. im not doing well here. might not be back very soon. take care everyone. love you all alot.

2009-03-27T02:25:00.001+08:00

just now, i was broken. broken.

2009-03-24T01:06:00.004+08:00

i've been very busy lately with work. working abt 6 days a week now. so busy i rarely come online anymore. :(

life have been stale. its just been boring and dull and i'm hoping for something interesting to happen. anything. haha. but i've been doing better so don't worry. its all good!

5 things i wanna do when i get my pay end of this month:

1) play bowling
2) go karaoke
3) eat macdonalds
4) order pizza at home and watch soccer at the same time
5) SAVE! :D

me and some classmates are going KL first week of next month to catch F1 and Jamiroquai! :DD its about time all of us go somewhere to enjoy. i really can't wait. imagine all the cheap food i can eat. and i'll probably be meeting my cousin and HER FRIENDS there so its gonna be fun fun fun :DDD. wooooooooooo.

so thats all i gotta say. if u wanna find me but dunno where to, go to ADIDAS VIVOCITY and chances are I'm gonna be there. all good?

have a good day guys. love you all.
isk

I watch the sky turn to paper mache like shapes
that fold and tear so easily
And this white light fever isn't phasing me
And this white light fever isn't phasing me

Why can't I seem to find
The light I saw I swear I knew
It brought me better days
And it brought me better days

So I'll keep on aching
Until my heart decides to fail (decides to fail)
All these tears and years i've taken
Oh I'd scratch it with my nails

Don't you get it?
I made an attempt to piece it all together
And I've found your love lost in the sky
Hiding inside the horrible weather
We'll watch it all come down

Watch the pain and sympathy march right up into
the right side of your mind
Watch the remnants of our love
crawl in through your insides

I believe you and I
are like paper like mache shapes in the sky
Always so fragile and bound to be broken
Always so fragile and never unspoken

2009-03-08T03:49:00.000+08:00

oh god help me out....

2009-03-07T15:47:00.001+08:00

i am currently addicted to MY AMERICAN HEART. check them out!

myspace.com/myamericanheart

isk!

2009-03-05T23:26:00.002+08:00

i've been working quite hard these past few weeks in school and work and everything else and now its time to chill out.

school is over already so im happy bout that. from this monday im working 6 days a week to earn some good cash then im going to enjoy like nobodys business. hehehe.

i'm doing ok, been better but im surviving. i would really love to have someone now, but all things happen/dont happen for a reason... but at this point of time, that reason better be good. haha.

before yesterday, i was actually working for 11 straight days and i plotted 5 days off after that. just now was my 2nd off day and i was bored as hell at home. haha. i feel like a workaholic now.. probably cause for the past few months, everyday i've always been too filled with things so when i have a day with nothing to do, it feels awkward. but the good thing is, i've been hanging out with my friends alot and its great cause its really been a long time since we all go out.

i have this little plan to start writing songs again by myself, havent been doing it for a long long time. hope to pen down like 4-5 songs by april or smth then record nicely. i've been recording random melodies on my hp and writing lyrics on random paper/my cell phones so i'm goonna combine them all together and make some good out of them. i just need to practice singing! hehe.

ok im getting sleepy, so thats all for now. have a good day/nite people. take care

2009-02-20T01:20:00.002+08:00

Perfect World (Portfolio Version) - Iskandar Rawi

edit: so just a little intro about the song... there's no really specified genre or anything, its just a thing experiment piece i was working on in november and i ended up using it as my portfolio after i tried adding vocals and i thought it sounded kinda cool. hehe. its not everyone's cup of tea, there are loud parts and soft parts, some weird timings and stuff. lyrics are mainly about my frustration about things at a certain period of time (maybe even till now. haha) but hope u like it! love u all!

Music & Lyrics: Iskandar Rawi

Waiting
Hoping

In a perfect world
we would be together

I'm tired of waiting
Why don't you come here
I'm tired of wondering
wondering what can happen

I didn't just drop by last night
I came out here to stay
I think you understand
I didn't just drop by, I didn't just drop by

2009-02-14T01:07:00.003+08:00

i've had a rough week doing my final year projects and stuff. so many things to do and it doesnt help when there's outside distractions messing with your head all the time. my shoulders feel so heavy, i can just drop and die.

i need a break from everything, i'm just tired from the chaos. give me some kind of strength, someone, anyone. i need some.

2009-02-12T23:28:00.000+08:00

i miss you... :(

2009-02-09T11:52:00.002+08:00

48 hours till my PORTFOLIO submission. I have a feeling I have to stay awake every minute of it. haha.

2009-02-03T22:34:00.002+08:00

with her keeping quiet and me being just too filled up with stuff to try clear the situation out (not that i didnt try), i guess its back to what its like before the 3rd quarter of 2008 - no dates to beautiful sceneries, no me thinking of ideas for surprises, no sweet goodnight smses, no taking her back from work, no more trying to make her smile, no more saying the nicest things i've ever said to a girl ~~ no more trying to love someone....

there was alot of hope for myself that something could actually happen, but it soon became obvious that all i did was for nothing.

with her not replying, i guess its pretty much over. as much as i understand that things are not gonna work and i just have to let go, a part of me badly wants to get this thing cleared out once and for all like FOR THE RECORD, to confirm that its over. its not ideal to keep things hanging and for someone like me, I cling on to the very last glimpse of hope I can feel. Honestly, I still have this hope that her name on my phone as a new message, any type of message will do, just show that she's doing well and smiling.

my close friends know how much i like(d) this girl and how much she means/meant to me. maybe i didnt show it to her the best way i can and should, but it was the best i could do at that moment in time. i liked her for the longest time and even till now, not a day pass by without me thinking about her. so it hurts like fuck when she pulls off something like this. i'm gonna try heal up abit and just chill about things. In the meanwhile of course, I have some distraction in the amount of MUSIC that i have to complete by the 3rd week of Feb so till then I'll probably be busy and worked up with school, but doesn't mean it doesnt come into my mind.

predictable isn't it, how this turns out to be. i don't even know if i deserve this. do i deserve this? reaally?

there are some of things that i regret doing for the past 3 or 4 months, and i probably badly crossed the line of ethical dating and the choice of status of the girl. i feel like shit thinking about it and i would understand if some people dont agree with what i did, but i really liked this girl and she gave me hope as big as the world so i went for it and hoped to make her mine. but as it turns out, it looks far from it.

i was giving my all to make things work, i really was. but i think i gave too much and expect too much back too, so i probably screwed myself. now a good step would just be a reply to what i wrote her, whatever the answer is.

--------------------------
that's probably my most emo post ever ever ever.

hahahaha.

im listening to THE CURSE OF CURVES by CUTE IS WHAT WE AIM FOR.
i don't know why, i'm been listening to it since school just now. the singer's voice is sounds young. i really like the feel of the song. and the lyrics too. and the melody. oh man hahaha addicted. www.purevolume.com/cuteiswhatweaimfor

so lately, i've been very very busy with school work. im working 2 weekends and 1 weekday instead of 2 weekday and 1 weekend so i can spend more time in school on that one extra weekday. so if you drop by adidas vivo on any weekend, chances are you'll see me there. its a tiring schedule, i dont have a day off till end of feb so im on the brink of exploding. haha. but im ok though, i just dont have as much free time as i wish. :(

AHH valentine's day coming! I should probably go dating. :P i think i really should. its gonna be good healthy fun but who to ask out eh? HAHAHA. ermm *runs through list* ... HAHAHA a list! i WISH. i just wanna have fun. nothing extraordinary. so bring me some fun someone. :D

im exploring ideas for my final songwriting assignment as we speak and i think something's coming up! hehe. when i finish recording, i'll post it here :DD

alrite, im gonna eat something. so my message to everyone is, PLEASE SMILE and MAKE THE WORLD BRIGHTER! :DD

see you guys around. i'll be around.

2009-01-25T02:24:00.004+08:00

hahahaha, considering my situation, what a rubbish coincedence... PERFECT TIMING!

my FINAL songwriting assignment brief:

You are required to write a full song (comprising melody, chords and lyrics) centred around the concept of THE END.

WOOH, if i don't score an A for this one, i dont' know. HAHAHA.

goodnight, don't worry. IM OKAY!

2009-01-25T01:33:00.002+08:00

i guess it all makes perfect sense now that you don't care at all.. NOT A SINGLE BIT. and all those words u said to me late last year, they're all bullshit, a fuckin big piece of bullshit... c'mon, prove me wrong. im counting on you....

honestly, i'm running out of care and patience here, i've kept it deep inside but now i just want some closure, thats all. its so damn frustrating. you told me to wait, and thats what i did and there you go, leaving it hanging happily as if everything is solved. i don't see any attempt in you wanting to answer what i asked you. seriously fuck i tried contacting u to no avail and really its quite frustrating. ur probably happy with whatever u have and i can live with that. i just want some closure here, thats all i ask... and i want it on a good note. c'mon don't avoid this problem here. probably this entry here isn't going to help the cause of the good note, but i'm just really annoyed. and if you care, all i ask is our friendship back, back when it was fun and laughable. but only if you really care.

2009-01-13T17:31:00.001+08:00

To every broken heart in here
Love was once a part, but now it's disappeared
She told me that it's all part of the choices that you make
Even when you think you're right
You have to give to take

But there's still tomorrow
Forget the sorrow
And I can be on the last train home
Watch it pass the day
As it fades away
No more time to care
No more time, today

But we sing
If we're going nowhere
Yeah we sing
If it's not enough
And we sing
Sing without a reason
To ever fall in love

I wonder if you're listening
Picking up on the signals
Sent back from within
Sometimes it feels like I don't really know what's going on
Time and time again it seems like everything is wrong in here

2008-12-22T06:22:00.001+08:00

i'll be gone for a while, but you can text me if anything =) i'll be back on christmas afternoon. take care guys and girls.

2008-12-15T00:26:00.003+08:00

i watched when harry met sally last night. its this old school film about how harry met sally. awesome love story :DD u people should watch it! i had a free saturday, didn't know what to do that day so thats why i watched it. i woke up at 4pm cause of the overnight bbq on friday. spent saturday alone, wanted to watch the wedding singer too, gave it 2 hours to load but it only managed to load 10 mins out of the 1 hour +++, so gave it a miss. i'm a fan of old school love stories, you name it - i watched it!

while waiting for the wedding singer, i spent sometime out of the house to get some good night breeze. i just sat at a playground nearby, bought a packet of fries and coke, and just took some time to just think some about some stuff which has been on my mind, things which just matters so much right now... alot of thoughts and emotions went thru my head and i guess i have to take a chill pill to chill this emo brain. just feels abit empty right now but i'm doing ok, surviving at least. hehe. sometimes i just wanna hear a voice which can just warm my heart, you know. its not the easiest of situations and as much as a not-religious person that i am, i pray to god that to help me get thru this and brighten me up abit.... its just not easy for both.

i'm gonna leave it hanging there and go chat with my good good friend from far away. :)

2008-12-04T14:48:00.001+08:00

we dont have to talk, we dont have to laugh at all, i just want you here with me...

oh god why.