sunday night

i was so scared that i have lost you. i was chasing after u aimlessly hoping that i'll see you again, but then i realised.... you were just next door.

paranoia

it was crazy. i reached ur workplace, the shutter was closed and u were nowhere to be seen. ur hp was off. i sent a text, but within that minute there was no answer. i was like "NO NO NO NOT AGAIN NOT AGAIN NOT AGAIN." then came this terrible terrible flashback from a previous relationship, where suddenly the door to the relationship suddenly closed on me with a blink of an eye. i was thinking what did i do wrong this time. what the fuck did i do, what did i not do. i was putting in my all and avoiding my previous mistakes. where could i have gone wrong?

the thought of losing you at that moment was painful, makes me realise how much i treasure you being around lately. i didnt realise that until sunday night, for that split second i thought u ran away, it has hit me that maybe my feelings has sunk in. i have had my doubts and probably some avoidance of my true feelings, the moment i saw you again, i was more sure than ever before.

that previous relationship has such an impact on me, made me so insecure about my love life. hoping "the previous love of your life" wouldnt go back to her boyfriend all the while and to lose her from the grasp of your hands when she was almost yours made me hit rock-bottom, like even a few levels under it. i admit the scar is still there. having you around is helping it seem invisible. on sunday night for that crazy moment, the scar magnified, and bleed profusely. i swear i almost teared up. in my HEART WHY WHY WHY. i ran to my bike, fucking sped off to orchard mrt just hoping to bump into you, fucking cheebye, need to make one huge turn. I was looking at my watch, its only been 10 minutes, she couldnt have gone far.

then in front of takashimaya while on my bike, u called nagging "where are u? are u here yet?!". I SWEAR TO GOD, the sweetest sound of nagging in my entire life. "i was there already! why your shop close? where u go? where are you?". you answered "i was just next door!" MY WORLD BECAME COLOURFUL AGAIN. hahaha :D see guys? paraniod insecure kontol i am.

with that episode, i realise that u mean ALOT ALOT to me right now and someone i barely can afford to lose. i am doing my best to make you the happiest that my ability allows me and with the limited time that i have, i hope we can spend it well together. i don't think ever have had someone who cared about me as much i think would be possible. i care for you cause you care for me. lets hope this last as long as it can. i love you.