had an analysing session of life at marina barrage with asmin till almost 4am just now and came out with a stunning conclusion:

my love life is so fucked up. 

i make terrible decisions. i fail to fend off temptations of all sorts. i do and say stupid things and now im paying the price. 

but really was i that bad? apparently i failed to make -------- feel special. seriously was i that bad? what didn't i not do? i put my everything in it but it just backfires on me at the end of the day. then accusations come in, you this, you that.... when all i did was wanting to love you. side note: PUKI JIWANG SIAL. then all the things i didn't knew were mistakes, come haunting back. i didn't knew what was i doing wrong/or what things were wrong. i only knew at the end when everything crumbled. why didn't you tell me earlier so i can amend it? then u use EVERYTHING against me so you can get away from me. i didnt see it coming, i was caught off guard. like i didnt know u didnt like the idea of me talking about my female bestfriend (yes now i know), you were lost cause u thought i had another girl at raya (no i didn't, she's in my group of friends, we are friends), you were hurt when u saw a question comment by friend best friend (its a stupid joke between me and her, and u should tell me if you feel hurt by it), you didnt feel special when i said i wanted to go visit my bestfriend in canada (she's my best friend, and if u dont feel comfortable, tell me cause maybe u weren't ready to hear that type of thing, so i don't know. at least TELL ME. i'll apologise and make it up to u.) and i didnt contact you for 9 days since u return from overseas. (yes, cause i called u when u were otw to the airport then u said you promised you'll call back to say goodbye at the airport when u were leaving, but u DIDNT. i was waiting all the while at home. then when i called u back , u already switched off your phone. i gave u the benefit of the doubt that u were rushing and forgot so i was hoping that when u come back to singapore, you'll contact me, so i waited 1 day 2 day 3 day 4, 5, 6,  a week.. it didnt happen. I MISSED YOU SO MUCH. i had to gather some strength to call u back. i was just hoping that you show some care. I STILL CARED SO BAD. i was so happy when i finally get to meet you after so long. then things of course starting to go downhill. and i clung on to hope cause i asked you to choose between me and him before u went overseas and you haven't replied me an answer. i was in a suspension of all sorts. u said u needed time and i gave it to you. but while i was clinging on to dear hope and giving u time, i felt u drifting away. there wasnt any communication between us and even my text was rarely replied. i didn't know what was going on but i was waiting for an answer. a positive answer. i kept giving a positive outlook, "maybe she doesnt want to talk to me now cause she really wants to think things thru". 2 months pass, WHAT THE FUCK WAS GOING ON. then when i had the chance to talk to u face to face after so many attempts, expecting to meet u one of the nights, u came to my workplace with the hell of all letters, the worst letter i have ever received in my whole fucking entire life. u were never mine, but losing you was the hardest thing for me EVER.

IM SORRY GUYS. I JUST HAVE TO LET IT OFF MY CHEST. i didnt have a chance to let it all out back then. i wanted to send a letter back but it will hurt me writing it (and when u are fresh wound from the emotion u will write things which u dont mean) and her reading it will be just as fucked up. we didn't had a clean "go-off" at all. i was hoping that this fucked up feeling with just fade away by ignoring it and just pretending she never existed but its impossible. i didn't give my side of the story and there it is. it is out of impulse that i wrote it this morning, maybe some facts abit manipulative without me noticing but its the closest to the truth of my side of the whole thing. i don't think she'll ever read this but here's the thing, i never meant to do anything to hurt you back then. all i wanted to do was to make u mine. maybe i did the most selfish thing by hoping that u'll leave someone for me. he probably didn't do anything wrong to lose you but i loved you so much that i wanted you so bad and i have never done so many things, to any girl, to try, if ever successful, to make to feel the most special person in the world. but did u ever?

i still think about you at times, i try my very best to move on, find someone else to love and lead the happiest of life. its slow but im getting there. it just hurts to think that i failed to make you feel special and im not good enough while all i did whenever i was with you; talking, laughing, kissing, was just that. i hope you are as happy as i expect you to be right now. 

its off my chest now. i havent slept the whole night and i think its worth it. im gonna sleep now. so much for the blog's 300th post. i think its worth it. i love everyone.