heyya people. its been a long time since i updated. i've havent been having alot of time on my hands since national service. right now im only going home every weekend/2 weekends alternating. and i only get slightly less than 48 hours. it sucks but i'm used to it now. i lived inside a jungle for a week since monday and just came back yesterday and im going back to camp later at 5.30pm. sucks balls.

i got to go now pack my bags or i'll be screwed. im considering joining the RSAF now cause somehow i've been selected. haha. i'm probably gonna go for it cause it seems quite ok.

take care guys. see u next weekend.

step aside girls, i'm a fuckin' soldier.

"F-clamation mark" is my phrase.

Iskandar Rawi

the fucked up auditions.... ape siak singh. hahaha

had an analysing session of life at marina barrage with asmin till almost 4am just now and came out with a stunning conclusion:

my love life is so fucked up. 

i make terrible decisions. i fail to fend off temptations of all sorts. i do and say stupid things and now im paying the price. 

but really was i that bad? apparently i failed to make -------- feel special. seriously was i that bad? what didn't i not do? i put my everything in it but it just backfires on me at the end of the day. then accusations come in, you this, you that.... when all i did was wanting to love you. side note: PUKI JIWANG SIAL. then all the things i didn't knew were mistakes, come haunting back. i didn't knew what was i doing wrong/or what things were wrong. i only knew at the end when everything crumbled. why didn't you tell me earlier so i can amend it? then u use EVERYTHING against me so you can get away from me. i didnt see it coming, i was caught off guard. like i didnt know u didnt like the idea of me talking about my female bestfriend (yes now i know), you were lost cause u thought i had another girl at raya (no i didn't, she's in my group of friends, we are friends), you were hurt when u saw a question comment by friend best friend (its a stupid joke between me and her, and u should tell me if you feel hurt by it), you didnt feel special when i said i wanted to go visit my bestfriend in canada (she's my best friend, and if u dont feel comfortable, tell me cause maybe u weren't ready to hear that type of thing, so i don't know. at least TELL ME. i'll apologise and make it up to u.) and i didnt contact you for 9 days since u return from overseas. (yes, cause i called u when u were otw to the airport then u said you promised you'll call back to say goodbye at the airport when u were leaving, but u DIDNT. i was waiting all the while at home. then when i called u back , u already switched off your phone. i gave u the benefit of the doubt that u were rushing and forgot so i was hoping that when u come back to singapore, you'll contact me, so i waited 1 day 2 day 3 day 4, 5, 6,  a week.. it didnt happen. I MISSED YOU SO MUCH. i had to gather some strength to call u back. i was just hoping that you show some care. I STILL CARED SO BAD. i was so happy when i finally get to meet you after so long. then things of course starting to go downhill. and i clung on to hope cause i asked you to choose between me and him before u went overseas and you haven't replied me an answer. i was in a suspension of all sorts. u said u needed time and i gave it to you. but while i was clinging on to dear hope and giving u time, i felt u drifting away. there wasnt any communication between us and even my text was rarely replied. i didn't know what was going on but i was waiting for an answer. a positive answer. i kept giving a positive outlook, "maybe she doesnt want to talk to me now cause she really wants to think things thru". 2 months pass, WHAT THE FUCK WAS GOING ON. then when i had the chance to talk to u face to face after so many attempts, expecting to meet u one of the nights, u came to my workplace with the hell of all letters, the worst letter i have ever received in my whole fucking entire life. u were never mine, but losing you was the hardest thing for me EVER.

IM SORRY GUYS. I JUST HAVE TO LET IT OFF MY CHEST. i didnt have a chance to let it all out back then. i wanted to send a letter back but it will hurt me writing it (and when u are fresh wound from the emotion u will write things which u dont mean) and her reading it will be just as fucked up. we didn't had a clean "go-off" at all. i was hoping that this fucked up feeling with just fade away by ignoring it and just pretending she never existed but its impossible. i didn't give my side of the story and there it is. it is out of impulse that i wrote it this morning, maybe some facts abit manipulative without me noticing but its the closest to the truth of my side of the whole thing. i don't think she'll ever read this but here's the thing, i never meant to do anything to hurt you back then. all i wanted to do was to make u mine. maybe i did the most selfish thing by hoping that u'll leave someone for me. he probably didn't do anything wrong to lose you but i loved you so much that i wanted you so bad and i have never done so many things, to any girl, to try, if ever successful, to make to feel the most special person in the world. but did u ever?

i still think about you at times, i try my very best to move on, find someone else to love and lead the happiest of life. its slow but im getting there. it just hurts to think that i failed to make you feel special and im not good enough while all i did whenever i was with you; talking, laughing, kissing, was just that. i hope you are as happy as i expect you to be right now. 

its off my chest now. i havent slept the whole night and i think its worth it. im gonna sleep now. so much for the blog's 300th post. i think its worth it. i love everyone.

I've been having around the house with tons of time nowadays, cause as we know i just quit my job and the main reason for that is for me to write and record music. Right now, progress is quite slow but still on.

When i'm not doing music, youtube comes into place. I've been spending ALOT of time on youtube, and a good portion of the time goes towards watching stand-up comedy. My maiden stand up video was russell peters back in 2006 i guess and recently, I've been watching alot of his and others. And along the way, I find different comedians who are hilarious and sometimes not so. Today I found a Filipino comedian, Ron Josol.

The main backbone of his act are filipinos jokes. He does the racial stereotype thing which is really an awesome genre of comedy cause you can really relate to it with the people who around you. I grew up having some pinoys around. A filipino best friend, 2 filipino ex-girlfriends, filipino colleagues at adidas and filipino friends here and there. So this video is really quite hilarious to me, not as an insult but as an appreciation. :)

Malay has our own stereotype perceptions too and somebody has to exploit it really. Haha.

Here's the video.

This is late but selamat hari raya to everyone. Very uneventful one for me this year. I'm ok with it don't worry. :)

I remember this time last year (this date, this time): I was preparing a card and a video. haha. Worked so hard on it and i guess the recipient was happy with it. :) haha. but then again shit happens after that.

I'm working on a couple of songs now, very modern rock. excited to get it done. planning some massive promotion with it. :)

so yeah, i'm kind of lazy to update. its a hot hot tuesday afternoon and im just waiting to go bathe right now. spending the whole of today doing drumtracks. :) hari raya do drum tracks, wtf is wrong with me. hahaha.

alrito people, so long stokin. My favourite song of second half of 2009. :)

My American Heart - The Innocent Letter

We talked about dreams,
and they said we were crazy.
But they don't know a thing about me.
We'll drive until the sun comes alive.
Until the sun comes alive.

Trust the speed, trust the night.
I've got your hand, and you've got...

I've never written better,
Such an innocent letter.
With a reason for a heart at the end.
I've never written better,
Don't make me do this again.
Don't make me do this again.

You taught the lessons I've never learned,
(I've never learned).
'Cause I'm best at being burned,
I'm best at leaving hurt.

We'll drive until the sun fades away.
(Sun fades away).
Until the sun fades away.

Trust the speed, trust the night.
I've got your hand, and you've got...
Trust the speed, trust the night.

I've never written better,
Such an innocent letter.
With a reason for a heart at the end.
I've never written better,
Don't make me do this again.
Don't make me do this again.

If this isn't love,
Would you give up, would you give up?
Would you stay, would you run?
Would you give up, would you give up?

I've never written better,
Such an innocent letter.
With a reason for a heart at the end.
I've never written better,
Don't make me do this again.
Don't make me do this again.