Monday, October 4, 2010
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
sunday night
i was so scared that i have lost you. i was chasing after u aimlessly hoping that i'll see you again, but then i realised.... you were just next door.
paranoia
it was crazy. i reached ur workplace, the shutter was closed and u were nowhere to be seen. ur hp was off. i sent a text, but within that minute there was no answer. i was like "NO NO NO NOT AGAIN NOT AGAIN NOT AGAIN." then came this terrible terrible flashback from a previous relationship, where suddenly the door to the relationship suddenly closed on me with a blink of an eye. i was thinking what did i do wrong this time. what the fuck did i do, what did i not do. i was putting in my all and avoiding my previous mistakes. where could i have gone wrong?
the thought of losing you at that moment was painful, makes me realise how much i treasure you being around lately. i didnt realise that until sunday night, for that split second i thought u ran away, it has hit me that maybe my feelings has sunk in. i have had my doubts and probably some avoidance of my true feelings, the moment i saw you again, i was more sure than ever before.
that previous relationship has such an impact on me, made me so insecure about my love life. hoping "the previous love of your life" wouldnt go back to her boyfriend all the while and to lose her from the grasp of your hands when she was almost yours made me hit rock-bottom, like even a few levels under it. i admit the scar is still there. having you around is helping it seem invisible. on sunday night for that crazy moment, the scar magnified, and bleed profusely. i swear i almost teared up. in my HEART WHY WHY WHY. i ran to my bike, fucking sped off to orchard mrt just hoping to bump into you, fucking cheebye, need to make one huge turn. I was looking at my watch, its only been 10 minutes, she couldnt have gone far.
then in front of takashimaya while on my bike, u called nagging "where are u? are u here yet?!". I SWEAR TO GOD, the sweetest sound of nagging in my entire life. "i was there already! why your shop close? where u go? where are you?". you answered "i was just next door!" MY WORLD BECAME COLOURFUL AGAIN. hahaha :D see guys? paraniod insecure kontol i am.
with that episode, i realise that u mean ALOT ALOT to me right now and someone i barely can afford to lose. i am doing my best to make you the happiest that my ability allows me and with the limited time that i have, i hope we can spend it well together. i don't think ever have had someone who cared about me as much i think would be possible. i care for you cause you care for me. lets hope this last as long as it can. i love you.
i was so scared that i have lost you. i was chasing after u aimlessly hoping that i'll see you again, but then i realised.... you were just next door.
paranoia
it was crazy. i reached ur workplace, the shutter was closed and u were nowhere to be seen. ur hp was off. i sent a text, but within that minute there was no answer. i was like "NO NO NO NOT AGAIN NOT AGAIN NOT AGAIN." then came this terrible terrible flashback from a previous relationship, where suddenly the door to the relationship suddenly closed on me with a blink of an eye. i was thinking what did i do wrong this time. what the fuck did i do, what did i not do. i was putting in my all and avoiding my previous mistakes. where could i have gone wrong?
the thought of losing you at that moment was painful, makes me realise how much i treasure you being around lately. i didnt realise that until sunday night, for that split second i thought u ran away, it has hit me that maybe my feelings has sunk in. i have had my doubts and probably some avoidance of my true feelings, the moment i saw you again, i was more sure than ever before.
that previous relationship has such an impact on me, made me so insecure about my love life. hoping "the previous love of your life" wouldnt go back to her boyfriend all the while and to lose her from the grasp of your hands when she was almost yours made me hit rock-bottom, like even a few levels under it. i admit the scar is still there. having you around is helping it seem invisible. on sunday night for that crazy moment, the scar magnified, and bleed profusely. i swear i almost teared up. in my HEART WHY WHY WHY. i ran to my bike, fucking sped off to orchard mrt just hoping to bump into you, fucking cheebye, need to make one huge turn. I was looking at my watch, its only been 10 minutes, she couldnt have gone far.
then in front of takashimaya while on my bike, u called nagging "where are u? are u here yet?!". I SWEAR TO GOD, the sweetest sound of nagging in my entire life. "i was there already! why your shop close? where u go? where are you?". you answered "i was just next door!" MY WORLD BECAME COLOURFUL AGAIN. hahaha :D see guys? paraniod insecure kontol i am.
with that episode, i realise that u mean ALOT ALOT to me right now and someone i barely can afford to lose. i am doing my best to make you the happiest that my ability allows me and with the limited time that i have, i hope we can spend it well together. i don't think ever have had someone who cared about me as much i think would be possible. i care for you cause you care for me. lets hope this last as long as it can. i love you.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
my girlfriend's really sweet and sometimes, i don't really know how to make up for it. she dresses up for me each and everytime we go out and its really sweet cause she puts too much make-up or over dress or those funny little quirky things that shows that she tries hard to look good for me that she kind of screw up abit abit its really melting to know she puts in so much effort.
then she's been deleting unknown people on her fb, esp weird random guys and even deleted her tagged account which is really "WOW seriously ah?". i mean i dont even do that for myself, like i still want to see random girls on my friends list and all that shit. abit scary she's doing that but i guess its her show of commitment.
its been difficult for me in the past, i had so much difficulty getting over someone who *hint hint* i fell in love with at my workplace but a part of me still wanted to be with her and the other part says just go away. the obvious choice was the latter cause the circumstances was so screwed against my favour. i was the bad guy who wanted someone's girlfriend, who actually opened her heart for me, and i was so stupid enough to screw it up. JUST FYI I AM NOT PROUD OF THIS. but if i ever had a second chance, i'll want to win her all over again not because i want to break couples up but just to be sure for myself i can win a girl. its cos i liked this girl probably since the first time i laid my eyes on her and to lose her in that type of fashion (we're almost like in a relationship, but wasn't there yet, she was still choosing) after i put in so much effort trying to win her and just to screw the shit out of it, HURTS like fuck. in soccer terms imagine champions league final, 3-0 down, i fight back to 3-3 then at the 90+ 6 minutes of injury time i score one goddamn own goal. took me like 1 year ++ , almost one and a quarter years to fucking tell myself "LOOK, ENOUGH, GO OUT AND DO SOMETHING.
most of the 1 year i was mourning like fuck, i was basically broken inside out. and figuring out what the hell did i do wrong, why did it turn out so bad, why did it happen this way. my morale was gone, my self-esteem was rock-bottom, my confidence crushed, and everytime i wanted to talk to a girl i had some interest in, I SHIVER. SHIVER HEARD ME? AND I FROZE, MY WORDS FROZE and LOST FOR WORDS. I WAS SO DIFFICULT. its like i had some type of syndrome, phobia, some anti-girl anti-love disorder. I WAS SO FUCKING SCARED THAT I WILL SCREW UP AND GET HURT AGAIN. it was fucking drastic. the so called "break-up" had so much effect on me like it made me so insecure of myself, unsure of my capability to maintain a relationship, make a girl happy and basically have a girlfriend and have this mutual care and concern. all along when i was with the girl, i just knew i was "the other guy", but now i kind of realised she tried hard to make me feel like i was the only one in her heart. AND I DIDNT GET THAT. i kept saying about my girl bestfriends, and she saw pics with me and gerl like close2, which was fucking misleading, shouldnt have taken that pic in the first place as well and really i didnt have any chance to explain what the hell was all that. mistakes mistakes mistakes. freakin haunted me and changed how the hell i am doing things currently.
then one and a half year on i met zara online. i usually judge my connection with someone by our first chat convo and then i chatted with her, knew nothing about her and i had the best best best conversation with her..... and it was so good, i think she felt it too that we exchanged numbers that very same first chat and i texted her on phone and for the next 2 weeks everyday we chatted and it felt so so so so so good. then one day we decided to meet and the moment i was going to meet her, obviously i felt so fucking nervous cause i felt i had some "disorder", but somehow there wasnt too much pressure to impress or anything cause my mindset was "well im just gonna meet somebody i met online" and really when i chatted with her on the phone, i didnt do much to impress but she seemed very welcoming and liking it. so i just did what came naturally.
THEN I MET HER. i was like OHH, ok she looks good. hahaha, then conversation started flowing in and i really surprised myself like there was NO MORE DISORDER SYNDROME SHIT. i mean, she was really making it really chatty and honestly i cant even remember what we talked about but there was so much to talk. and we keep laughing and laughing and all that. it felt like WOW, basically love on a first date kind of thing. maybe i've been missing this feeling alot before but it was hands down the best first date i ever ever had. it felt so good, i felt sure of myself to hold a convo with a girl who's into the same things as i am and then i took her out more and more and we got closer and all that. the rest is history. she tries her best to make me happy i can feel and i hope i can do the same for her too. i want to be sure i can maintain this relationship well and make this girl as happy as i can. :) i'm not gonna screw up something which involves a girl who cares about me like before, and i swear to god im gonna care for her just as much. i just want to appreciate her more. i kind of feel i haven't.
then she's been deleting unknown people on her fb, esp weird random guys and even deleted her tagged account which is really "WOW seriously ah?". i mean i dont even do that for myself, like i still want to see random girls on my friends list and all that shit. abit scary she's doing that but i guess its her show of commitment.
its been difficult for me in the past, i had so much difficulty getting over someone who *hint hint* i fell in love with at my workplace but a part of me still wanted to be with her and the other part says just go away. the obvious choice was the latter cause the circumstances was so screwed against my favour. i was the bad guy who wanted someone's girlfriend, who actually opened her heart for me, and i was so stupid enough to screw it up. JUST FYI I AM NOT PROUD OF THIS. but if i ever had a second chance, i'll want to win her all over again not because i want to break couples up but just to be sure for myself i can win a girl. its cos i liked this girl probably since the first time i laid my eyes on her and to lose her in that type of fashion (we're almost like in a relationship, but wasn't there yet, she was still choosing) after i put in so much effort trying to win her and just to screw the shit out of it, HURTS like fuck. in soccer terms imagine champions league final, 3-0 down, i fight back to 3-3 then at the 90+ 6 minutes of injury time i score one goddamn own goal. took me like 1 year ++ , almost one and a quarter years to fucking tell myself "LOOK, ENOUGH, GO OUT AND DO SOMETHING.
most of the 1 year i was mourning like fuck, i was basically broken inside out. and figuring out what the hell did i do wrong, why did it turn out so bad, why did it happen this way. my morale was gone, my self-esteem was rock-bottom, my confidence crushed, and everytime i wanted to talk to a girl i had some interest in, I SHIVER. SHIVER HEARD ME? AND I FROZE, MY WORDS FROZE and LOST FOR WORDS. I WAS SO DIFFICULT. its like i had some type of syndrome, phobia, some anti-girl anti-love disorder. I WAS SO FUCKING SCARED THAT I WILL SCREW UP AND GET HURT AGAIN. it was fucking drastic. the so called "break-up" had so much effect on me like it made me so insecure of myself, unsure of my capability to maintain a relationship, make a girl happy and basically have a girlfriend and have this mutual care and concern. all along when i was with the girl, i just knew i was "the other guy", but now i kind of realised she tried hard to make me feel like i was the only one in her heart. AND I DIDNT GET THAT. i kept saying about my girl bestfriends, and she saw pics with me and gerl like close2, which was fucking misleading, shouldnt have taken that pic in the first place as well and really i didnt have any chance to explain what the hell was all that. mistakes mistakes mistakes. freakin haunted me and changed how the hell i am doing things currently.
then one and a half year on i met zara online. i usually judge my connection with someone by our first chat convo and then i chatted with her, knew nothing about her and i had the best best best conversation with her..... and it was so good, i think she felt it too that we exchanged numbers that very same first chat and i texted her on phone and for the next 2 weeks everyday we chatted and it felt so so so so so good. then one day we decided to meet and the moment i was going to meet her, obviously i felt so fucking nervous cause i felt i had some "disorder", but somehow there wasnt too much pressure to impress or anything cause my mindset was "well im just gonna meet somebody i met online" and really when i chatted with her on the phone, i didnt do much to impress but she seemed very welcoming and liking it. so i just did what came naturally.
THEN I MET HER. i was like OHH, ok she looks good. hahaha, then conversation started flowing in and i really surprised myself like there was NO MORE DISORDER SYNDROME SHIT. i mean, she was really making it really chatty and honestly i cant even remember what we talked about but there was so much to talk. and we keep laughing and laughing and all that. it felt like WOW, basically love on a first date kind of thing. maybe i've been missing this feeling alot before but it was hands down the best first date i ever ever had. it felt so good, i felt sure of myself to hold a convo with a girl who's into the same things as i am and then i took her out more and more and we got closer and all that. the rest is history. she tries her best to make me happy i can feel and i hope i can do the same for her too. i want to be sure i can maintain this relationship well and make this girl as happy as i can. :) i'm not gonna screw up something which involves a girl who cares about me like before, and i swear to god im gonna care for her just as much. i just want to appreciate her more. i kind of feel i haven't.
pursuit for happiness
revealed. so yes just want to be happy for now and hopefully things will turn out good. :D
Friday, August 13, 2010
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a list of things i should do before something really bad happens
